Sticking with the bread and butter themes, we move onto crime.
Questions
Question 2: Crime
Burnley, being in The North, is a terrible, terrible place. They don't have rats there, because the rat’s standards of living are above that of Burnley's. A stupid woman with a stupid haircut who is somehow shocked at Burnley being the burglary capital of the UK or England or something, asks how she can be made to feel safe. Some kind of helmet, I imagine, and I don’t mean the throbbing kind.
Cameron
System not working ploply. Is this a smoke screen? Is he trying to seem common by mispronouncing one single word? Has this word been specially selected at a round table of the most evil people of all time, featuring Hitler, Blair, Susan and Frankie Boyle, Mr Burns, Thatcher and Your Mother? Burglars not getting long enough sentences. See above. Moves into a Daily Mail wet dream about a right bastard, who robbed, burned and killed in an evening’s orgy of theft, death and DFS, that could result in just 4 ½ years inside, with a very quick proviso of ‘could’, thereby discounting any relationship with reality. All froth, no beer. If you thought Labour were bad with Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt tactics, then just wait, just fucking wait, till this puppy stomping piss hole gets in. Wants to put people in prison for a long time if they cross someone’s threshold, and by threshold he means ring piece, and by long time he means hanging. By the plums. The plums.
Clegg
I just realised that Clegg is beady eyed. Such a shame. More police on streets needed, I think we need more police preventing crime. Starts laying into ID card system, all of his own accord, have a lollipop, you spacker. Young people are becoming the hardened criminals of tomorrow, so watch out for a lot of young men wandering around with a boner, knocking over grandma’s Diana commemorative plates whilst they steal the hat stand, because it’s the only thing a man can thieve with a lob on. That’s what Clegg has done to get crime down in Sheffield, but you’re buggered if you need somewhere to put your hat, or in Cameron’s case, your Top Hat. Most uncomfortable shopping experience ever, especially if you’re in a queue. Mind you, if Cameron gets in, be very careful, or you’ll go to prison for a long time, you goddamn threshold diddler you.
Brown
Now chooses to acknowledge the questioner, part of the new, family friendly, non-peodo Brown package. Crime is falling according to official figures, probably because it’s really pissed, or it can’t quite carry all the booty it’s just stolen. Parents need to accept responsibility for their cunty little children (correct), although Browns parents should’ve taken responsibility for his face, and quietly stuffed it in the toaster. Doing more of this shaky fist business, but in bigger swings, so he’s obviously mid or even post shit and is merely trying to negotiate the release of the remainder of the chocolate hostages. There’s always a clinger, isn’t there? We understand your frustration, Gordy. Wants people to be able to take out injunctions against the police, which is The Worst Idea Ever, seeing as they are already weighed down by 7 fucktons of paperwork and red tape as it is.
Arguments
Cameron
Most crime is coming from people addicted to drugs. Bullshit. I’m sure they have a part to play but I don’t believe that ‘most’ crime is caused by drug addicts. Maybe in Glasgow, but that always fucks up the statistics. The tone he uses to speak about drugs is like drugs are an alien species that should be sent back into space immediately, those crazy little green bastards. Of course, Cameron would never, ever even think about touching drugs, much like a Catholic priest and small boys. Wonder if he’s ever had a coffee.
Starts attacking in-prison treatment of drug addicts, but clearly doesn’t understand the matter, saying that people get put onto a substitute drug, without realising that people could easily go completely Bucky o’Hare if they didn't. Just does not understand the subject, and idiots who agree with him will think he's making a good point, but trust me on this, he's not. Then accuses the country of being mad. Faaaaaaaaaack orrrrrrrrrrff.
Moves onto an unconvincing anecdote about him talking to a criminal. I’m sure he probably just said Hello to the bin man and that was enough to make him feel like he was part of the Great Train Robbery. To this day, he winces at the sight of a Biffa truck, knowing that he spoke to someone who doesn’t have unicorn piss with their Torie-oes
Clegg
Old pointy eyes is back, talking about penises and conveyor belts, which is slightly worrying, if I ever see Clegg in Tescos, I’m gone. Now it’s onto Colleges of Crime, which can’t be a good idea can it? Comes out with a fact I’ll have to bust out at my next super brainy dinner party, “Do you know that young men going into prison now on short-term prison sentences now come out” Fuck a duck, stop the presses, hold the phone, in that order. When did this happen? Why wasn’t I informed? Has Labour really corrupted our Criminal Justice System to such an extent? This is insane. In-fucking-sane.
We are re-producing crime, and Clegg is closer to the money than he thinks. Well, we aren’t, but the criminal underclass is. Cut their balls off, that’ll stem the flow. Goes onto some floppy shit about crims apologising to victims. That’ll learn ‘em.
Brown
Starts about being young, I was sure Brown festered into existence. Moves onto community activities for young people, fair dinkum. We now have more police than ever before, although they’re all twelve and short and spiky haired. I’ve had shits like that, and believe me those logs I've dropped were far more intimidating, and didn’t have to fill in any paper work to stop me in my tracks. Not that I was committing any crimes at the time, maybe one against the environment, but no-one cares about that. Remember kids, shit before you steal. Then talks about one police force taking over another, under performing one, like they’ll be bought and sold on the stock market by the Big Swinging Dicks. I see a light bulb above Camerons head, Browns just given him a way to privatise another public sector service.
Clegg
Back to his Collages of Crime idea, I’m sure his PR person is flinging their own shit around in rage trying to get him to stop this drivel. 9/10 young men re-offend. At least they’re good at something, that is to say, getting caught. The re-offenders will stop when they realise they are really shit criminals. Waving his hands to his face, Clegg enjoys basking in the ambiance. I didn’t know he was a wafter. Ledge. Repeats his angle of young / petty becoming old / hardened criminals, sounds painstakingly rehearsed. He needs more meat on them bones, either a different take on the same point or a whole different point altogether.
Brown
Worked on some project with 75% success rate, well done Brown, no-one looks impressed. Thanks Cameron for the posters ‘about him’. I thank the Lord our Christ I missed those, I can’t even begin to imagine the sick shit those two must be writing about each other, and in public as well, do they have no shame? Dis. Gust. Ing. Looks at Cameron like he’s going to eat him and is rather pleased about it. Does his 'someone’s got a wire in my cheeks and is tugging away, I’m really smiling' smile thing. Lord Ashcroft was in on it as well, he must’ve been the Dungeon Master. Nice little passing of that parcel [Ashcroft] to Cameron.
Cameron
Brown’s got his goat, and Cameron’s going to beef it out. Increasing in volume and starts speaking like he’s trying to tell his mother off over making his bed time unicorn piss too hot. Gets cut off by Stewart, well done, that’s the biggest contribution he will ever make to society. Cameron looks like he’s about to stamp his feet. Brown and Cameron start bickering over public funding, namely the funding of the police.
I really want them to start fighting to the death with sledgehammers, and Clegg can sit in the corner, gently soiling himself whilst Abba’s Dancing Queen plays the whole sorry affair to it’s inevitable conclusion, which is of course everyone wondering why Clegg has shat himself, and applauding at Brown eating Cameron for breakfast.
Brown
“It’s answer time, David.” This is what I like about Brown. This is the only thing I like about Brown. Andrew Marr asked him several times whether he hates him and Brown tries to pretend he doesn’t but he does, he really fucking does.
Cameron
“What matters is what comes out” He can only be referring to shit and his mouth, and it’s a colossal amount of shit. Went to Hull, undoubtedly to have a quick game of Piss on the Poor Person, and given the amount of shit he can generate, I’m surprised he didn’t start a tsunami. Some coppers bought a £73, 000 Lexus. This is what happens when you give a 12 year old money, they spend it all at once and ask for more. Talks about change, I’m sure that looks like change to him. We need crime fighters, not form fillers, so hand me the Bat phone, you cunt.
Clegg
Makes a point about Labour and the Tories not putting their public spending figures in the their manifestos. Getting left out here.
Cameron
Mother was a magistrate for 30 years, an unpaid and unskilled job that any old self righteous busy body can do, and gave people short term prison sentences for smashing up ‘The’ bus stop, the only one in the village of ‘Balls-upon-Face’, twinned with 'Arabian Goggles', Saudi. Bet she felt just like Kojak. Doesn’t answer the point of spending / manifesto promises, becoming a habit of his.
Brown
Proudly states that 20, 000 more people are in prison. I can’t believe he’s happy with Britain becoming a police state. Takes Cameron to task over police funding again, takes the piss out of Conservative posters with “Now, be honest with the public, because you can't airbrush your policies, even though you can airbrush your posters.“ Gets a laugh, hilarious. Staring Cameron down.
Cameron
Brown to protect health, education and police spending, but actually he can’t because we’ve got the biggest budget deficit of any ‘developed country’, meaning we used to have young, pert breasts, and now we have big, floppy, embarrassing man boobs, and everyone knows it.
End of Question 2
Conclusion
Not too much to take from this one, it started on crime and moved back onto manifesto pledges, which are always bullshit anyway. There was an opportunity for someone to take the reigns here but it was an opportunity lost. It degenerated reasonably swiftly into bullshit tennis between Brown and Cameron, with Clegg quietly rubbing one out on the sidelines, and Stewart being both smug and amazed at having the least important job in a 10 mile radius of that studio. I get the feeling that they were all trying to score points like this is the Commons, and I don’t think our special friend from The North will feel any safer clutching her Maccy D’s Minced Poor People ¼ Pounder tonight, whilst someone is in her bathroom, stealing her shitter, after hearing a really limp round of political pea shooting.
Q3 up next, stick around, you crazy bastards.
