It's not as long as the title suggests.
Questions
Question 5: Budget deficits
Cameron
Glad the question has been 'arsed'. Tax on jobs is a killer. My god, that must be one hell of a tax. The 'business leaders' agree, like the people who run Sainsburys, M&S and Mothercare. Hrm. I'm getting some kind image, an image of, yes that's it, these are the shops that Cameron's wife shops in, he must be whoring her out for the express purpose of furthering his own agenda. Crikey.
Cleggeggegg
Only party to specify their plan for the deficit in their manifesto. Remove tax credits for those that effectively don't need them. Cap public sector pay increases, and my favourite, the scrapping of the plan to renew the Trident nuclear system, which will cost a staggering £100 billion.
Brown
Doing his strange mouth breathing thing. Straight on the attack saying the Tories will remove £6 billion from the economy and its going fuck things up big time. We don't want to a double dip recession. I would quite like a double dip actually.
Arguments
Cameron
Wants to take on the argument directly, for the first time this evening. Wants to cut waste, he should get rid of all the old duffers rotting away in the House of Lords. Two hideous waste stories, another Daily Mail rant, civil servants have spent a billion on food, wine, and 'other things', presumably taking cash out, setting it on fire and throwing it on the plebs from the top of another, larger pile of cash, in the shape of a comedy pair of cans. Number two is the 'many' managers who are paid 'over' £250K have received a ‘7%’ pay increase. No doubt they will vote Tory given their plan to decrease tax for the highest earners.
Clegg
Makes a good point about only a limited amount savings can be made from waste, but it isn't that big a problem. But it does make a good headline. Wants to be clear, open, straight. It's a riddle, he wants to be a window. Now we've got a black hole in our finances, some kind of massive public sector anus that's sucking all the money out of the country. Diabolical. Wants to tax banks, populist but sound. Wants to square circles, should speak to Cameron, I'm sure he has a square arsehole and shits in cubes.
Brown-and-out
Wants us to think how difficult it is to save 50, 000, 100, 000, 200, 000 and then 6, 000 million. Err, 6, 000 million what? Novelty dildos? Trying to praise himself about keeping the economy going but I've news for you, you fat bastard, you broke it in the first place by placing the City at the centre of the economy, without it contributing that much, and then shit in a shoe, the markets have crashed. Does not want to take risks with the economy. Why have you handed it to a man with comedy eyebrows?
Clegg
Back to the giant, swirling anus that is at the centre of the ruined arse of our public finances. Apparently it's obvious. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. Wants to get all the financial big wigs together for a massive love in so we can find out exactly how much money this country is haemorrhaging.
Cameron
Wants the country to come together, no doubt all over him, the sick bastard.
Clegg
Wants to stop the grotesque spectacle. I completely agree. Wants to rebalance the tax system, amen.
Brown
Again saying that the Tories will take out 6 billion from the economy.
Cameron
Effectively says 'Oh well everyone is tightening their belts, we're just following suit.' Except they're not tightening any belts, apart from the ones around the necks of all public sector employees. Gets petulant, tells a tale of how Brown's going to waste money and increase taxes.
Brown
We've got to get this economy moving forward, like a fat man rolling down a hill, always increasing in speed and fatness, but we're out of hill, Gordon, so what will the fat man do now?
Cameron
Reckons increasing National Insurance is the real risk to the economy. It may be a risk, but it's less of a risk than what the Tories want to do, that's for sure.
Brown
We need growth, must keep getting fatter, must keep eating, always moving forward, endlessly twirling, permanently shitting.
Clegg
There’s going to be Big Things that we can't afford to do over the next few years, like the planned Amusingly Disfigured Animals Theme Park, and the Free Ice Cream For All Programme (FICFAP). Thinks Trident is a gash idea with a gash name. Gash.
Cameron
Still beating the drum about wasting money, it's meaningless and people don't look impressed. "How is a 7% pay rise for NHS managers essential for economic growth?" The only valid point he's made in this question, just a shame he said it by way of Daily Mail arm waving.
End of Question 5
Conclusion
It's a biggie, and a toughie, but not an impossibleie. Clegg has the best ideas, Brown has one idea, Cameron has nothing, and continues to get hammered from both ends, just how he likes it, the cunt.
Questions
Question 6: The Armed Forces
Some bloke who reminds me of Mike from Spaced, mainly because he's in the TA yet has that manor of speaking like he's been in the army since birth, wants to know how things are going to improve for Our Boys.
Clegg
Under-equipped, under-paid, under-give a shit. Starts bashing his trident, no, sorry, Trident bashing, and he’s bloody well right. We've got 8,000 bureaucrats at the MoD, why are we employing people with a title of 'bureaucrat'? Money saved on Trident will go to the Armed Forces.
Brown
Proudly states that we were under funding the war in Iraqistan 3 or 4 years ago and this year we will spend £5000 million pounds. That's a fucking lot of money to be spending on fighting people who ride round on cheap Chinese rip offs of Honda CG125s, with weapons from Soviet Russia that only understands being used in Russian, in a properly backwards country, with no education, healthcare, economy or semblance of government infrastructure to speak of. Would this money not be better spent on fixing the countries societal woes rather than blowing people up?
Cameron
Starts trying to crawl up the questioners arse by saying just what a spiffing job all those chaps are doing on the western front, we'll get those Jerrys. Then has a quick jab at Brown for the plan to cut funding for the TA, which is fair enough.
Arguments
Clegg
Should be providing the right equipment for the job. I didn't know we where sending Our Boys out to Iraqistan with feather dusters and an impressive array of coloured paper clips.
Brown
Has met every urgent operational requirement. The only thing Gordon knows about urgency is the Urgent Arsehole Syndrome he suffers from. That's why he always breathes through his mouth. Likes the flavour. No wonder Cameron's been pursing his (thin) lips throughout the debate.
We're in Afghanistan because there is a 'terror' threat. I didn't know we need £5000 million to fight a noun. Surely a pencil would do. Just cross it out. Then we can dispense of this War on Terror® business and start on The Shushing of The Noise.
Cameron
“Difficult times lie ahead”. Mmm, sure they do. Need to have a fundamental defence review. Yep, bit of war always puts the ‘fun’ in ‘fundamental’. Unfortunately, he’s completely right for the first time tonight. Only took him 50 minutes. It’s really not good enough, Jenkins.
Brown
The Taliban has changed its tactics, wails Brown, in 2006, that’s the problem. So it’s taken 4 years to recognise this, for a single enemy in a single region. How long would it take to over haul the whole bloody Army, Navy, and RAF stratagems? The Taliban couldn’t win a one on one confrontation, so they took to guerilla warfare, explosive devices. It’s not particularly challenging to imagine, ‘Fuck me, a tank’, ‘Fuck this, use mines instead’, ‘Mecca bingo’.
Clegg
Agrees, and has been calling for a review of the armed forces for years, goes back to Trident, the more I read that word, the more I think it’s an oral hygiene product. Is it really that important?
Cameron
Answers directly for the second time during the debate. Have a single clap. Most important duty of the PM is the defence of the country. Clegg can easily be made to look weak on this. Worried about Iran and China. I don’t think nukes are the answer. Thinks our ability to fire them is independent. It’s not, we are effectively a strategic launch pad for the Americans. We cannot fire those things without the permission of the fattest nation on the planet, and that’s just sad. Calls it the ‘ultimate protection’, making it sound like a concrete condom, but forgets that ultimate means last, and evokes the end of the world. Now, I don’t believe that nuclear war would actually end the world, just fuck it up a bit, but surely the only way to conclusively put an end to the nuclear threat is for all countries to disarm, to stop any programmes for any type of incomprehensively powerful weapon, and to eradicate the knowledge and the means to create them in the future.
Brown
Iran, North Korea, the penguins, they’ll all have nuclear weapons and we need nuclear weapons to make sure that they’ll reduce the number of the nuclear weapons that they may have in the future maybe possibly. Doesn’t favour Nick’s decision to ‘unilaterally’ abandon ‘our’ nuclear deterrent (it’s not weapon, it’s more of a barbed wire fence, expect it’ll blow your balls off if you cross it, not merely leave them dangling in the wind on top of a 10 foot fence). More FUD, more scaremongering.
Clegg
We cannot justify or afford the ‘nuclear war system’. Here here.
Cameron
Went to Afghanistan every year, for several years, several meaning more than two, so he went 3 times, and every time was told we don’t have enough helicopters, so he decided to make chopper noises and spin around on the spot, flailing his arms.
Brown
Makes excuses about helicopters. Thrilling.
Conclusion
Clegg wins on the basis of the most logical arguments. If the shit hit the fan you’d want Brown hovering over the big red button.
Questions
Question 7: NHS
I just cannot be fucking bothered.
Question 8: Old People
Err.
Clegg
No-one cares about old people, stop pretending
Brown
No-one cares about old people, stop pretending
Cameron
Only cares about old people with mountains of cash.
End of questions 8
Conclusion
I get the impression that they didn't really care. I can understand though, old people just clog up the supermarket, shuffling round, getting confused at the Wireless Picture Box and wetting themselves at frequent intervals, draining money and resources from the NHS and having a cottage industry in the generation and distribution of nasty, nasty knitted jumpers, and strange odours.
