Onto Round 2.
A hilarious slew of damaging headlines in the papers today regarding various aspects of Clegg, my personal favourite being, who else, the Daily Mail's slanderous Nazi accusation. It’s just unbelievable. How fucking stupid do you have to be to believe this shit?
One thing I have to get off my tired, droopy cans is this business of the ‘wiggly worm’ that various channels and media outlets have had on proud display, like their babies first solid shit. It’s a graph, not a fucking worm, so what, it’s a graph that moves, it’s still a fucking graph, for fucks sake, you patronising patch of clingy toilet bowl flak.
Also, on a side note, Rebekah [sic] Wade and James Murdoch invaded the offices of the Indy today, to launch into a rage against the incumbent editor, Simon Kelner, against the Indy’s attack on News International. It wasn’t really an attack on News International, the Indy was just saying ‘you’ will decide the election, not Murdoch Sr, thank fuck, the Australian cunt. Massive, massive desperation, what a pair of certified snatch scratchers.
Anyway, momentum has been on the Lib Dems side, and they’ve been dealing with that well enough but that haven’t been fully prepared for the scathing attacks they are receiving and will continue to receive unless they crash and burn. The Lid Dems have got to rise to the challenge, it’s now or never.
Sky’s coverage started off with, what else, Heli Cam, looking down on a building, like they were expecting it to explode any second now. It didn’t. Some stupid bitch began the voice over in the least professional manner I’ve ever heard, she sounded like she was getting her face rammed and then suddenly remembered she had the biggest broadcast of her life to do. I swear it started with an ‘Errrrrrrrrrr, shit, we’re on, quickly, take your balls out of my shitter.’
Then some fat bloke with the presenting skills of a mouldy tampon racks up to start the debate. There are Union Jacks everywhere, like they’re trying to remind the audience what fucking country they’re in and biblical music like the world depends on dopey, poncey, and mincey.
Opening statements
Gordon ‘My face is grafted on’ Brown
‘This isn’t a popularity contest.’ I hate to tell you, Grafty, but this is the very definition of a popularity contest, especially with a movement-adverse, apathetic audience, with the cumulative IQ of the bacon currently attempting to mate with my fridge. He’s going be substance over style, can we chose the substance? If we can, I would choose ‘obscurity’. He’s your man. For what, I don’t know. Blocking up the bog? Eating all the Cheese-Os? The streets need to be free of terror, why don’t you get rid of the corporate whorefests that inhabit this country’s town centres? What a fucking terrifying abomination. He can deliver. Your pizza. Although I’m not sure I want a pizza from ‘Brown Delivery’.
David ‘Cultivated Thatcher’ Cameron
Says the word ‘change’ three times in quick succession, without a hint of irony. The only change people will see from you is a sudden and alarming case of country wide gentrification. We’ll have a new team running the country. The fucking B team, that’s for sure. More balls about bureaucracy and value for money, says a man who uses woolly mammoth tusks as toothpicks. I’m sure you’re peoples will get value for money all right, our fucking money, my fucking money, you cunt plug. Waffles some drivel about a big and scary society or something, I stopped listening.
Nick ‘I’m here for the pies’ Clegg
Proud of our country. Don’t get all BNP on us. Goes straight on the attack over torture, Iraqistan, but doesn’t quite go far enough. Talks a lot about leadership, those are the credentials he needs to talk up. Wants us to be free of nuclear weapons, needs to devise a way of saying that a country without nuclear weapons is not weak, merely sane. Must do better. Sad face. Some lip flapping about climate change that leads neatly onto his mother being a prisoner of war that was freed by the British army. Good for her, good for him, neither of the other two have that kind of material. Wants us to be a force for good, like a powerful guff that unleashes the brown demons on a Monday morning. Always more satisfying when you’re shitting on company time, and I’m glad Clegg realises that.
Questions
Question 1: Europe, bad
I don’t know who selects these questions and I can’t be fucked to find out, but my suspicion would be Sky on this once, given as they start with what has got to be one of the Lib Dems weakest suits, and the fact that it’s asked by a rock solid Europhobe, how convenient.
Cameron
We should be in Europe. We already are, you noodle armed fanny sock. But we need to stop Europe, it’s got too much power, the dilithium crystals canna take it, Cap’n. Should be in it, not run by it, like we’re a corner shop being taken over by Tesco’s, except Tesco’s are a Franco-German alliance, and they want to take away all hygiene products and ‘personal’ hair removal devices, and replace them with bureaucracy and a lack of humour. Wants to keep the pound, a subject most people view as a part of the fabric of British society, and therefore themselves, without at least considering the benefits of the Euro, never mind possessing the ability to understand the implications of a switch.
More fucking tit-rash about value for money. Wants to cut rules and regulations, despite the economic crash being caused by a distinct lack of rules and regulations around the world, for the birds and the bees, the earth and trees, not to mention the Gods, not to mention the Gods. Says something about Sarkozy standing up in Europe, then I remember Sarkozy needs a booster seat at all times, even when he’s on the shitter.
Cleggs
EU not perfect. No. Shit. Took them 15 years to define chocolate, I’m pretty sure he used that anecdote in the last debate, amusing as it is. Moves onto the benefits of working together with Europe to fight international crime, like the illegal trading of unsanctioned super hero outer-underwear. Europe can regulate the banks, with such tax empyreans as Switzerland and Monaco, sure, that’s going to happen. Reform the EU, we shall, yes. No. Stronger together, weaker apart, like an alcoholic talking to his bottle of reconstituted whiskey substitute.
Brown
Jobs, trade, noise. Doesn’t want isolation. Gordon, you have got to be the most isolated man on the whole of these Isles. Bigs up his role in the financial crisis despite actively encouraging it for over a decade. Neither of the other two subsequently pick up on this. Christ on a bike, am I the only person who is fucking awake here? Bums America for some reason, suppose he’s got to let the 3 people watching over there know he cares, and is ready to invade whichever country that sounds like an additive they want him to, ongoing war or not. Climate change is a priority, although obviously not as much a priority as making so much cash that it has it’s own gravitational pull.
Arguments
Cameron
Giving away powers with out asking. We are not all Dark Lords at the Table of Hades, you piss funnel. Moves onto the soft target of the Lisbon Treaty, and attempts to attack the Lib Dems over it. It is an important subject, and I believe we shouldn’t have signed it, but if anyone should be under attack it should be Labour. Wants a guaranteed referendum on all future EU laws, which will be quite difficult, because I don’t know why Karen from Essex is going to vote in favour of Romanian dog farming reform.
Clegg
Wants a referendum on the transfer of powers to the EU, no doubt the power to make a nice soufflé or something. Hold on, he’s changed his mind, he wants a referendum on whether we stay in the EU. Well, we beat them, and we still joined them, so we’re like a neurotic 14 year who can’t decide whether we want to pat the pink of Europe or to poke the brown of America. Then busts out the braking of some paedo ring thanks to EU cooperation. Trying to make crime fighting central to the EU argument. Are you listening? I’m fucking not.
Brown
The EU is good for our economy. Agreed. It would be better if we were part of the Euro, however. But we have more pressing problems, sounds like Brown is yet again busting for another shit.
Cameron
Don’t trust the people. Give in to Brussels. I’m sure there’s more to this, but that’s what my notes say, so that’s what he said. What is he on about? I though the Tories were anti-Europe. Good God. He’s gone bat shit insane. Needs to be returned to sender, preferably in an amusing, ‘self pleasuring’ position.
Clegg
Says the Conservatives will be having referendums on each and every ‘treaty’. Surely you people are employed to makes theses decisions on our behalf because we don’t know what the fuck we’re on about. Will negotiate trade deals. Um, good thing? Bad thing? Can’t you just go in there guns blazing? Talks up his ‘past life’ credentials of having worked in Europe. A lot of Sun readers will be shuddering at this thought, unable to comprehend what it means, no doubt suffering an aneurysm at even to attempting to understand. The super powers are bumping, stop putting on that Western infidel popular music, I don’t want to be inappropriately touched by China. Some people like that sort of thing, not I.
Brown
Wants to focus on the job in hand. Tories gone with extremists. I consider the Daily Mail to be run by extremists, so that’s a given, but he is right on this point, the Tories have aligned themselves with several Eastern European parties that would at least be described as ‘nutters’, a subject we will touch on later.
Cameron
Says something about difference in policies, Clegg says ‘but’ 26 times but is talked over, should have told Cameron to shut the fuck up, I’m trying to make a point here.
Cleggs
Finally slaughters Cameron over the aforementioned associations with various nut jobs in Eastern Europe, saying they are homophobic, climate denying, anti Semitic window lickers. Cameron has no answer to this, doing his pursing of lips thing.
Brown
’These two remind me of my kids squabbling at bath time.’ Ahahahaha. Funny, funny, melty face Brown. Sprinkles in a light Clegg bumming.
Cameron
Will stand up for Britain. Says the other two want to take away the UK’s seat at the UN security council and replace it with an EU one. It’s not that bad an idea, except it would be difficult to push UK interests, and as the EU keeps expanding, it would get more difficult.
Brown
We would be stronger. Probably. Let us not forget just how much the UN security council means when the UK and the US steamrollered through there and straight into Iraq.
Clegg
Don’t listen to the Tory scare stories. Rightly so.
Conclusion
They all came out fighting, that’s for sure. Brown was much better in expressing his points, much snappier, and seems to have a bit more fight in him. Brown tried to throw in a couple of early punches about the economy but they seemed out of place. Clegg only really managed to send Cameron down Jabroni Drive on EEU party allegiances. Clegg’s points about international crime busting were unconvincing, but a referendum on Britain’s existence in the EU may be appealing to some. Cameron was portrayed as being anti-EU but he didn’t make the case for it, he does not want to come across as anti-EU, although we all know that he is. Isolation was mentioned a few times, and I’d rather be with Europe than America. Several aspects of our society have moved towards American models, and they’ve all been hopeless failures, like foreign policy, economic deregulation, part privatisation of the NHS and education system and my personal bug bear, tearing down perfectly good buildings in town centres to make way for an identikit shopping centre, sucking any remaining character out of so many towns in the UK. Anyway, back to Cameron, he was the least effective communicator, he said words but they just didn’t mean anything. Definitely no substance. This questions ‘winner’ is dependent on what your views around Europe are, if you’re anti, then its Cameron, if you’re pro, then its Lab or Lib.
Join us tomorrow, for a light lunch of War.
