Round 1
So the highly anticipated debates.
Yesterday I was going to make a point of not watching them but today came and curiosity got the better of me. I've watched a few Question Times in my time and they've always been metronomicly, crushingly dull, and I excepted this to be the same, only worse.
I suppose a TV debate was inevitable really, as the creeping numbers of mouth breathing fatties glued to their chairs continue to drag down the average IQ of the country, scratching their fat sweaty balls with their fat sweaty hands, clamouring for the doritos or maybe the cat, anything's a meal, waiting for X Factor to come on so their picosecond attention span can somehow become even shorter until it reaches a singularity, thereby ending all life on planet earth, refuse to inform themselves any further than what The Sun or ITV news has to say about anything at all ever, combined with a messy break up with the public after a long period of decline, something out of the ordinary had to happen to get people to engage with politics again, and it is so.
I'm not sure how much of an effect it will have, some people will see and hear what they want, others may change their mind, most will slowly drift by, gentling dribbling over themselves at the thought of it all. Of it all.
Moving on.
Opening Statements
Alas, it started with the leaders giving an 'opening statement'. I nearly broke at this point, a whole 15 seconds in, not because Nick 'Cleggers' Clegg had started the batting, but because it came across like a Blind Date introduction, except they'd just eaten your baby and you'd caught them in the act with a small foot still poking out of their mouths, twirling round, yet you still have to take one of them out, and you know, just know, that they are going to attempt to cop a feel at best, the cheeky little shits, or eat your other baby at worst.
Back to the content. It was just hot air, it could be any politician talking about anything. Washed right over me.
It didn't improve when Gorden 'Broon' Brown got going but I hung on in there, watching his highly trained hands moving backwards and forwards, in affirmative motions, like he's trying to waft away a really vicious fart into the crowd yonder, who by the way looked remarkably white. Maybe there were a few more black people in there that had turned white from the aforementioned arse-grenade Broon had pulled the pin on. He obviously does not enjoy basking in the ambiance. For shame.
Content-wise, nothing, just nothing.
PS
On my spaz-o-vison TV, Browns ears looked hilarious. Just a thought.
Onto David 'Just call me Dave' Cameron. What a unspeakable, first class shit. And not the kind one enjoys after a hearty meal. I can't hide my disdain for him. However, there is no getting away from it, if you didn't know what he was about, if he didn't open his goddamn trap, he doesn't seem all that evil and that's why he's the Conservative party leader, because the rest of them make Darth Vader look like a member of the My Little Pony outfit, the blood sucking bastards. I never said this was going to be unbiased, by the way.
Anyway, he spoke, something about... nope, gone. Fuck it, don't care.
Questions
Question 1: Immigration
Asked by a retired toxicologist who sounds like he has some intelligence, but he's from Cheshire aka Land of Rich White People, and probably still has to change the channel when he sees a black man on TV. Con.
A tough one to start with but that's life. Everyone's got an opinion but no-one, no-one really knows what the fuck is going on, not least the General 'We Know Fuck All' Public. 'They', the wizards that is, have an idea, but they don't really know. Add in statistics and the 3 leaders of the main political parties trying to win the election on the strength of a TV debate and you really are set up for a record-breaking bullshit bonanza. We're talking biblical levels.
Gordon 'Brownies' Brown gets going, and you can see now the opening gambit is out of the way he's fully into his public speaking stride. He does seem almost statesman like. For some unfathomable reason he starts talking about chefs, who have fuck all to do with fuck all, I mean how many chefs are there in this country? I didn't know there was an immigrant chef problem. Talks about his points system for immigrants. A positive, logical step we could have done with 13 years ago. Comes across as affirmative. Wants to advertise jobs in job centres where skills are needed. Radical. His tie is on the piss and it really bothers me.
David 'Cunty-bollocks' Cameron slimes in, saying immigration has been too high, the naughty little shit, stealing his weed. Wants to get the numbers down, so I assume that's code for 'get your gun and shoot the darkies'. I'm not sure he's with the times. The horse has not only bolted on this one, but it's also gone to pastures greener, lead a long and meaningful life, and died peacefully in it's sleep. Being serious, it's a valid point, but I sure as hell don't trust the numbers so him pursing his lips at them is not very convincing. Might be pinching one out. Highlights that more people are coming in than going out. No shit. Agrees on points system, wants a cap. Maybe a night cap. Talks about new EU countries and 'them' all coming over at once. Is he going to hand out tickets and get people to form an orderly queue? They'd need to live here 20 years to ascertain the art of queuing anyway, so he might as well give up on that one.
Nick 'The Clegg' Clegg addresses the questioner directly. Complete chaos apparently. Hadn't noticed. Blames the old guard, a wise tactic. Makes valid points about exit controls and regional placement of immigrants taking into account available jobs, housing, health services etc, not exciting but he comes across as sure footed, which is about as much as you can ask. Solid ideas. Makes pointy hand movements, like he's fisting a beached whale.
Arguments
Brown
Begins with Net inward migration. I have that problem all the time. Apparently they're counting people out and in, which is pure lies. Talks about ID cards, Clegg misses a trick here, should've really hammered him on the seeping of ID cards system into British society. Worrying. Using the same old tactic of 'you'll be better of with it, think of the children, security, turrurists' rather than 'these things will be sold a dime a dozen on the black market'. 40, 000 less immigrant students this year apparently. All a result of Labour doing its thang, nothing to do with the massive goatsee'ing of the economy. Finishes on controls. Bit late now, mate.
Cameron
Cap is necessary. Boater, preferably. Cameron in speaks to black people shocker. He's just lost half his votes. Pack your bag boys, war's over. Plus this chap was in the navy, so he's obviously a bumbadeer. That's the other half of the votes gone. Rejoice, shit on a stick or something. Camerons not at all imaginary friend is ashamed or some shit at immigration being out of control. Undertones of Daily Mail there. Says 'properly', sounds like 'ploply'. I always thought he was a 5 year old. Supports boarder controls, wants a border police, forgets we have the sea to do that job for us. Wants to combine all law enforcement agencies somehow into this magic boarder force, seems to have forgotten about everything else that they need to look after. Looks like his head is too big for his face.
Clegg
Starts with good immigration and bad immigration, and no doubt will unleash his secret weapon, Bifidus Imigratia. One a day kills all the bad immigration, don't ya know. Moves onto an anecdote about being in Wales. The horror. A ward was empty, and it should've been filled with immigrants. Not sure I'm understanding the message here but it sounds like the problem is the Welsh can't be trained in anything above 'low level faeces handling operative', i.e., playing with shit. Speaks to the Sista', implying she is also black. Very sly Nick, very sly. Got one over Cameron there. His point against arbitrary cap is valid.
Cameron
Tries not to be racist by saying how he loves good immigration but it needs to be controlled.
Brown
Doesn't like these words, maybe he prefers 'dogging'. More talk of control. Goes back to this net inward immigration bullshit. What the fuck is he talking about. He's already made a super massive boarder control force, Cameron didn't get the memo, the dick. Back to ID cards for immigrants. Another cue for Cleggers, missed, DUR.
Cameron
Now he's on about net migration levels. What happened to the net inward immigration? Starts talking numbers. Lies. Can recognise big numbers. Well done, gold star. Reassuring. Brown tries to talk over him, sounds like he's trying to argue with Argos about the delivery of his nipple clamps.
Clegg
Looks like he dropped his ice cream. Back to old guard bashing, a necessary evil. Repeats himself, annoyingly. More complete chaos. Can you have partial chaos? Only have immigrants to places they are needed, but what about if there is nowhere for them to go? What if the Queen of Sheba wants to immigrate? We can't have two Queens now, can we.
Brown
Agrees with Nick on the point of anti-capness, trying to snuggle up to the Lib Dems just in case, would rather votes went their way than Camerons way, fine by me. Comes across like a letch, an old man attempting to bed a schoolgirl. Now jiggling his fists about, like he's busting for a shit. Wants to meet the skills shortages of the past. We could do with some miners, buggers were on strike.
Cameron
More hand waving, think his mums in the crowd but he can't look at her because he might piss his pants. Bad memories. Starts talking about welfare reform, and makes a good point about capable, or at least able, people not working despite available jobs. Dig at the underclass there. Could chime in with something about societies woes. Which may be relevant but is outside the scope of the question. I think he's just getting a swipe in. Asks Nick how he can do the regional imigant bit.
Clegg
Says you have a work permit for a particular region. Big fines otherwise. OoohoOOoo. Scary stuff.
End of Question 1
Conclusion
Well Clegg gave his POV the best, and made the most sense. Cameron got roundly shat on and Brown was just Brown, nothing to see here. Browns problem will continue to be the fact that he's leading the party that has been in power for the past 13 years, so he's a Stay Puft sized easy target. This is a theme we shall see throughout the remaining questions.
Tune in soon for more aimless ranting.
