First, a note on the newspaper coverage. The Times, The Sun, and The Daily Fucking Mail had front page ‘Cameron wins’ bullshit, The Guardian had ‘Clegg wins’, which was, unfortunately, bullshit as well, and The Independent did it’s usual floaty go lucky thing, bloody waste of trees that it is.
Never has an event shown just how much biased is loaded into these publications, with various papers quoting various polls reinforcing their own headlines. Now, this is not news to most people, or at least those who can manage to wipe their own arseholes. If you posses a modicum of common sense, if you can manage the challenges of hand to arse interaction without anything ended up on the ceiling or in next doors garden, then you can see the desperation, the death throws, if I can go that far, of the old guard, the old establishment, the fat, bald mean clinging onto the remnants of the empire.
A Lib Dem win, which still unlikely at best, is a real concern for some king sized arse-warts like News International, like Lord Ashcroft, like the arms companies that want all our lovely cash. A few people with a lot of power have a vast amount to lose, but so do we if a cunt so big it’s only viewable from space becomes PM of this country.
Questions
Question 2: War
Fat Tosser Presenter Man seems to have forgotten what he’s doing here. Oh there he goes. God, Sky are so fucking shit. Where did they find these people? Did they have a competition to find the thickest members of the public and this was the prize? It fucking looks like it to me. Must be the same fanny flannel that designed the set. The background looks closer to the Autobot insignia than a Union Flag.
Some bloke who wins the prize for the Most Amusing Place Name of the Debate So Far, Whorefield or something, asks whether we will go to war again. Of course we fucking will, nob head. The questioner has confused Al Qaeda with the Taliban, and makes out that going to war is akin to helping grandma across the road, except granny ends up all kinds of dead by the end of it, and besides she asked for it, the cheeky bitch. And it takes 8 years.
Clegg
Supported Afghanistan, but not Iraq.
I don’t support Afghanistan, because the country is only worse off than it was back then, they’ve replaced one set of people with guns telling them what to do with another set of people with guns telling them what to do, except this time round everything has ‘USA’ and pictures of eagles smoking cigars stamped on it, except, notably, the most dangerous, isolated and plain old fashioned backwards parts of the country, the outlying regions geographically cut off from the world as we know it, who are still shitting in a hole in the ground, and have nought reasons to believe the Yanks and the ‘coalition of the willing’, (which features some of the greatest military superpowers the world has ever seen, like Afghanistan???, Rwanda, and Iceland, a country that does not feature a military, or currently, any banks, and who also by the way sound like a band of dirty as fuck, high class hookers, who even bring their own cocaine), have done or are going to do anything to improve their situation, or even just gain their trust.
Err, where was I.
Strategy and equipment wrong. Nuclear weapons not much good for this eh chaps?
Wants to do the job properly or not all, so I guess he wanted to go into Afghanistan and 9/11 the shit out of it, or 11/9 for anyone who can read the date.
Brown
Answers the question directly, by saying Al Qaeda are in Somilia and some other dump, which is clearly the reason we are not there ‘dealing with these problems’. Must be vigilant, otherwise the Chain of Terror is going to get us all, and give us a nasty paper cut. I think he’s got a chain of terror around his balls, that’s the only way of explaining his wincing ‘smile’. Gets a daily Terror Report, which must read something like the shipping forecast, Viking, rough or very rough becoming moderate later, Hebrides, mainly moderate, Al Qaeda, mainly terror. We’re also training the police over their, so they’ll be skilled in dealing with drunks and doing speed checks, in a country that is dry and doesn’t have any roads to speak of.
Cameron
Someone brought a hobo Cameron lookalike in, and he’s trollied. He’s gone all cross eyed. Maybe he’s finally cracked, and is going to shit himself to death. Wants to bring all policies together to make a super policy, consisting on the rounding up and execution of anyone without a butler or at least a full time lackey. Never send the troops into battle without the proper helicopters. What happens if there’s a space war, Cameron? Where are your space-helicopters? Dickhead. Is the aid there? What good is an M16 at providing aid? Unless by aid you mean ‘slow and painful death of funny looking foreign chap’, jolly shame, what. Needs an exit strategy. I suggest an entrance strategy, much like slipping into a lunatic asylum and replacing all the door handles with dismembered hands with a heating element in them for added effect.
Arguments
Cleggs
Reinforces earlier points, a ginger in the crowd agrees with him, the loner. Tells the Eurofighter to fuck off, has a point, after all the other world famous European collaboration is the Euro song contest, and we all know how that turns out, with Britain getting shafted and Terry Wogan leaving in disgust. Disgust.
Brown
Support troops, wants a defence review, doesn’t have the conviction behind it like Cleggers does. Moves onto the ‘Dee-troit’ bomber, who was apparently given his orders ‘from Somalia’, which would be a bit of a fucking revelation to say the least, and can’t possibly be, or America would have invaded them 10 years ago, and would still be there, shooting each other. Can’t allow ‘turrurists’ to have territory. Who is signing over land to Mr. A. Terrorist?
Cameron
Got ‘blown away by a professional’ in Afghanistan, and he subsequently went back 3 times for more. He loves those army boys. Brown looks jealous. Clegg looks curious. Went for a run, woopee fucking do. I went for a run, but I was chasing the kebab van, looking for some dead cat to gnaw on. Afghan people should be part of the government, to do what though, he doesn’t specify. Stand out front like a living statue, begging passing countries for their small change? Political situation is all up-fucked. Nothing to do with 8 years of war, tit end?
Clegg
Point is pin pointing. I can’t pin point your point. No point. Mechanics look after vehicles. Fuck me, that’s a headline that writes itself. ‘Mechanic in spanner blunder, tightens wrong nut, now called Timmy No Bollocks’. Proper equipment needed.
Brown
Repeating his line from the last debate about the Terror-Ists changing their tactics, and the Army is so shit they were fucking helpless, dicks flapping in the wind, at the mercy of an army equipped with Tesco Value Weapons, and a copy of Saddam Hussain’s Fighting Tanks with Misinformation for Dummies, 2nd edition (limited print run). Now they’re using ‘inte-err-err’ devices, which sound really fucking mean. Devices are designed to scare and maim their troops, I think they have the right idea, I wouldn’t have hired the guy who wanted to deploy weapons designed to dish out cuddles and Mr. Whippey left right and centre. Wants to make sure we have the proper intelligence, with no mention of that whole Iraq thing.
Cameron
Bigs up Trident, we shouldn’t equip our troops properly today for the sake of securing the future for the future. What the blazes is he on about? Clegg knows something is up, but Brown is staring long into the audience, looking for someone to snack on on the way home, back to his cave. We’re safer with Nukes. We’re not, you cock eyed fuck. I think they off’d him between debates and have resurrected Thatcher and stuffed her into his hollow, lifeless carcass. Simply doesn’t know what the world will look like in 40 years time. Probably filled with nukes, until some Iranian bloke misreads his Russian built, Chinese manufactured bomb and decides to ‘make smokey happy’. It’s a pathetic argument, it’s like saying let’s lock everyone up on the basis that they may one day commit a crime, like not use a servant to stand on whilst mounting one’s circus elephant or using a soup spoon to beat a commoner when the law clearly states you must use at least a silver handled peasant repression, sorry, correction cane.
Clegg
Should listen to the generals, the experts, who say the decision doesn’t need to be taken now and there are better and cheaper alternatives, like tackling the root cause of the issue, not having them for the sake of it. Cites Obama. Trident isn’t going to help with dirty bombs, sounds saucy. This is a FUD tactic Labour have used again and again. And once again, it’s a point that Clegg fails to bring up, especially after what happens next.
Brown
Makes these decisions every day. Does he really have to decide on such an issue on a daily basis? Does that come after the Terror Report? Tells Clegg to get real, thrice. If I were Cleff I would tell him to fuck the fuck off. Iran might be able to have a nuclear weapon. I might be able to have a shit, but until your trousers are down, you can only postulate as to what’s going to happen - nuclear war or machine gun fire? Nobody knows. Why doesn’t Clegg point out that we’ve had nukes for 50 years and the number of countries with nuclear weapons has… increased. The number of nuclear weapons has… increased. The number of countries on the famous ‘Axe of Evil’ or whatever the fuck it was called with nuclear weapons has… no prizes for this one… increased. North Korea are not worried in the slightest, because what are we going to do, nuke Pyongyang? No, of course we're fucking not. So you should get real, Gordon Brown, there are as much use as your fucking bright ideas. I just don’t understand why Clegg does not make this point. Baffling.
Clegg
Dangerous to commit to spend a whole lot of money on a system that may or may not be of any use. Hasn't made any fucking difference so far. Nukes should be at the heart of a defence review, not excluded like they would be from Browns.
Cameron
Agrees with Gordon, audience laugh, a little of me dies. Apparently we have a general called Mike Jackson. The King is dead, long live the king. Have to make this decision early. No we don’t, we’re just buying them off the shelf of America’s great WMD Emporium, you pawn. Can’t rustle up a nuclear ‘deterrent’ at the last minute. We didn’t make one in the first place, for fucks sake, why oh why isn’t Clegg making any of these points, even doing it badly would do.
Conclusion
Clegg makes the most realistic points, so Browns cheerleading evidently helped. Cameron is again unconvincing, and the only point he gets across is his irrational support of Trident, because his chums at BAE see pound signs every time it’s mentioned. Brown is not much better but comes out of the war round, as expected, on top, his stoic style helps in the context of this question and its Browns style over substance that wins out, because Clegg takes it on content, if any bugger was listening. I don’t think Brown realises the irony, and even if he did, he’d only eat you or a passer by.
In the next question, we talk hair styles and loft insulation. No, this isn't Loose Women.
