Clegg was basically fucked if he did and fucked if he didn’t. He was in a perfect storm of fuckery, caught between the perceived high road of aligning with Labour, the Libs more natural ally, which would’ve relegated them from there short but bright tenure as an actual, visible political force, or entering the dark and uncharted abyss of a Lib-Con coalition. I suppose the third way would’ve been not to go with anyone, but I don’t think Clegg wanted to appear to be going against the sentiment that the public had registered after the long grinding down Labour had kindly inflicted on us all.
It is both mildly suspicious and conspicuous the speed by which the coalition was agreed and formed. I reiterate the fact that Clegg knew the Tories would probably get a majority, or near as damn it, and had presumably prepared for this circumstance by bracing his people for what must’ve been a difficult cull of principles, morals, ethics, and not to mention actual policy meat. I almost think Clegg wanted this to happen so the Lib Dems could finally get a finger or two inside the rusty bumhole that is the British Government.
Clegg knew an Obama-Miracle ™ wasn’t going to happen so it all came down to who was going to go where, and how their policies would merge. Uncomfortably and awkwardly, I imagine, like a Tory rhino trying to fuck a Liberal pony that’s got its head stuck in a tree. The best Clegg could have hoped for is pretty much what he got, one or two seats in the Billy Big Nuts tier of government, and some significant, if not entirely desirable, 2nd tier positions. Of course it is notable that Clegg is the Deputy Prime Minister but he was always going to get the best gig out of it.
It’s a wise move, in my opinion. There was a fair amount of wailing and flailing of Militant Feminist Lesbians Bras (MFLsBs) at the Lib Dems abandoning what they stand for but these people are fucking deluded. They were never, ever going to get anywhere if they carried on whinging in the background, hanging around like someone’s Mum at a shit party, trying to make sure no one sticks their dick in the mashed potato, in order for them to move to the front bench, with the media that we have and the perception of all the parties and their leaders, this was the only option.
The hardliners on either side, the MFLsBs and the Landed Gentry, have loudly registered their discontent but they might as well not have bothered because both parties have got the best possible outcome with what the election yielded.
David ‘Cap’n Cunt’ Cameron scored a spectacular own goal by agreeing to the debates with all three leaders on an equal footing. It’s true that the novelty wore off of Clegg after the first debate, and he failed to capitalise on the others shortcomings and they were all dreadfully repetitive, like they were addressing someone’s grandma, or someone with a particularly infectious case of The Idiot, but Cameron could have inadvertently upset the space time continuum by putting the Lib Dems on a trajectory to power. This must be Clegg’s vision and is the only rational explanation for aligning the Libs with the Prince of Darkness, or at least the Prince of Bad Reading Light.
The problem is a united front must be presented to the outside world and any internal conflict will undoubtedly leak faster than Paula Radcliffe on her Sunday jog. Clegg will need all and more of his political craft to gently stand just behind Cameron, off centre, making hand gestures suggesting he’s fucking insane, in order to state that yes we are in a strong coalition but I’m here for the exposure to the public psyche as a statesman, and the curtains. It’s going to be a very difficult game for him to play and I don’t know how he’s going to do it but I’m certain that come what will be termed the ‘first real test of the coalition’, we shall see how he chooses to massage his point of view into the overall government position.
I may or may not bother to have a poke around the half-breed, four arsed monster that is the coalition government’s manifesto, so you know, diarise that.
Monday, 7 June 2010
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
Nothing at all
Children were crying in the streets. Men and women quietly wept, trying to keep up a front, trying to keep the hysteria at bay. The rivers ran with blood. Crops failed, drought ravaged this once great land. Cats and dogs were playing together. Traffic lights when round in circles, holding their silent vigil, seemingly for the leaves and the dust being whisked away by the wind. But not just any wind. A wind that carried the distinct odour of despair. Of hopelessness. Of longing. The one eyed bear had been wounded, and was seeking refuge in the palace of the damned.
Where were you when it happened?
Gordon ‘Fisting’ Brown had given a not emotional resignation, but somehow had managed to evoke a figurative tear in ones eye. I’ve said before I don’t hate Brown and I fear I may be wishing for him to be back sooner rather than later, eating small mammals and shrubberies in Number 10, quietly privatising things and maintaining a couple of wars for no reason other than profit. The writing had been on the wall for years really, no need to go into the reasons now, it was, as they say, an inevitability.
Could Labour have managed to step back from the precipice with a new leader? I don’t think it would’ve made much difference. After years and years of Tony Blair hand wringing his way through his premiership, his pathetic excuses mounting with the bodies of dead soldiers, dead civilians, dead civil rights, there was nothing that could’ve been done, it would be like trying to piss on the Twin Towers.
New Labour was Tony Blair’s Labour. Labour under Brown had a different tone, a little less presidential and a little more British, gruffly chewing over the issues of the day along with half a cow, but they did suffer somewhat at the hands of the media, the News Corp machine taking it to 11, which of course led to the eventual out manoeuvring by the Tories. It’s like Brown is a buffalo that’s been bitten by the Tories Komodo Dragon, News Corp, letting him trudge on through the economic crisis, patch things up a bit and then the infectious disease takes hold and accelerates until we reach todays crescendo of cuntery.
I think the next Labour Prime Minister will be David Miliband. If Miliband is as wise as he should be then he should let someone else take the job that has been left by Brown. Labour are going to be in opposition for a couple of terms, at least, and whoever leads now will not be the man to lead them back to Number 10, when the circus resumes in however many years time, if the country hasn’t descended in Daily Mail hell, and now the Tories are in, that’s entirely possible. Keep twitching those curtains, people.
I heard a helicopter in the sky. I wished, nay, prayed that a sniper was calibrating his sights. I saw Cameron’s fat head flapping around, the torrent of bullshit that I had managed to avoid since the debates had resumed, and Jesus H Christ, it was a vile as ever. His stupid fucking wife with her misshapen face stood there, looking like a twat, looking like she was queuing to see poor peoples children fight to the death and then the winner indulges in a light spot of cannibalism before being let out into the grounds of her vast estate, being chased by the hounds, all for her own evil, twisted pleasure. It’s no wonder her face is so weird when you’ve got all that evil floating around in you, it’s bound to fuck your shit up. There was also this lump, presumably containing another symbiotic Cameron inside of her, in case the first unit failed, which also seemed to be emitting rays of damnation. I could almost taste the nefarious plans afoot, being cooked up in her cunt factory, in her face, and in Cap’n Cunt himself, David ‘Cap’n Cunt’ Cameron.
It didn’t start well. Cameron paid lip service to Brown and then basically launched into a tirade of woe, about how shit everything is and about how it’s going to get shitter. There are so many things wrong here I just don’t know where to start. What this country needs is a leader, not a whinging shit bag, telling us how we’ve got to help ourselves. It’s your job to help us to help ourselves. Not to help your class and to hell with the rest of you.
There is, however, a silver lining, or rather, a pitiful yellow one, like piss in the snow. Cameron is only able to call himself the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland on the basis of a deal between the Tories and the Lib Dems. We do not yet know the minutiae of the deal but obviously Clegg will have forced concessions from Cameron but there are several problems here.
Firstly, Clegg could be shat on from a great height. The Tories have a majority, although it’s a minority majority it’s still a majority and I don’t know how these things work but I hope to fuck that something is signed with these concessions on, otherwise Clegg could be steamrollered, and all the deal making would’ve been for nothing. Secondly, both the actual parties constituents have to be convinced of this deal and the Conservatives and the Lib Dems are pretty far apart with their ideologies, they are not even a remote match and it’s going to be interesting to find out what has been given in order for Cameron to take. Thirdly, there is the working relationship between the two parties, and indeed Labour. Will it work at all? We are about to find out.
A lot of questions need to be answered but the most pressing issue is the devil in the details. It will become clearer tonight and tomorrow. There is a chance we could have a reasonably balanced, working government, with Clegg managing to reign in some of Cameron’s more hare-brained ideas, but Clegg cannot stop them all. The worst part of it is, I feel, that it will be the big, long term issues that we’ll lose out on.
We shall see.
Where were you when it happened?
Gordon ‘Fisting’ Brown had given a not emotional resignation, but somehow had managed to evoke a figurative tear in ones eye. I’ve said before I don’t hate Brown and I fear I may be wishing for him to be back sooner rather than later, eating small mammals and shrubberies in Number 10, quietly privatising things and maintaining a couple of wars for no reason other than profit. The writing had been on the wall for years really, no need to go into the reasons now, it was, as they say, an inevitability.
Could Labour have managed to step back from the precipice with a new leader? I don’t think it would’ve made much difference. After years and years of Tony Blair hand wringing his way through his premiership, his pathetic excuses mounting with the bodies of dead soldiers, dead civilians, dead civil rights, there was nothing that could’ve been done, it would be like trying to piss on the Twin Towers.
New Labour was Tony Blair’s Labour. Labour under Brown had a different tone, a little less presidential and a little more British, gruffly chewing over the issues of the day along with half a cow, but they did suffer somewhat at the hands of the media, the News Corp machine taking it to 11, which of course led to the eventual out manoeuvring by the Tories. It’s like Brown is a buffalo that’s been bitten by the Tories Komodo Dragon, News Corp, letting him trudge on through the economic crisis, patch things up a bit and then the infectious disease takes hold and accelerates until we reach todays crescendo of cuntery.
I think the next Labour Prime Minister will be David Miliband. If Miliband is as wise as he should be then he should let someone else take the job that has been left by Brown. Labour are going to be in opposition for a couple of terms, at least, and whoever leads now will not be the man to lead them back to Number 10, when the circus resumes in however many years time, if the country hasn’t descended in Daily Mail hell, and now the Tories are in, that’s entirely possible. Keep twitching those curtains, people.
I heard a helicopter in the sky. I wished, nay, prayed that a sniper was calibrating his sights. I saw Cameron’s fat head flapping around, the torrent of bullshit that I had managed to avoid since the debates had resumed, and Jesus H Christ, it was a vile as ever. His stupid fucking wife with her misshapen face stood there, looking like a twat, looking like she was queuing to see poor peoples children fight to the death and then the winner indulges in a light spot of cannibalism before being let out into the grounds of her vast estate, being chased by the hounds, all for her own evil, twisted pleasure. It’s no wonder her face is so weird when you’ve got all that evil floating around in you, it’s bound to fuck your shit up. There was also this lump, presumably containing another symbiotic Cameron inside of her, in case the first unit failed, which also seemed to be emitting rays of damnation. I could almost taste the nefarious plans afoot, being cooked up in her cunt factory, in her face, and in Cap’n Cunt himself, David ‘Cap’n Cunt’ Cameron.
It didn’t start well. Cameron paid lip service to Brown and then basically launched into a tirade of woe, about how shit everything is and about how it’s going to get shitter. There are so many things wrong here I just don’t know where to start. What this country needs is a leader, not a whinging shit bag, telling us how we’ve got to help ourselves. It’s your job to help us to help ourselves. Not to help your class and to hell with the rest of you.
There is, however, a silver lining, or rather, a pitiful yellow one, like piss in the snow. Cameron is only able to call himself the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland on the basis of a deal between the Tories and the Lib Dems. We do not yet know the minutiae of the deal but obviously Clegg will have forced concessions from Cameron but there are several problems here.
Firstly, Clegg could be shat on from a great height. The Tories have a majority, although it’s a minority majority it’s still a majority and I don’t know how these things work but I hope to fuck that something is signed with these concessions on, otherwise Clegg could be steamrollered, and all the deal making would’ve been for nothing. Secondly, both the actual parties constituents have to be convinced of this deal and the Conservatives and the Lib Dems are pretty far apart with their ideologies, they are not even a remote match and it’s going to be interesting to find out what has been given in order for Cameron to take. Thirdly, there is the working relationship between the two parties, and indeed Labour. Will it work at all? We are about to find out.
A lot of questions need to be answered but the most pressing issue is the devil in the details. It will become clearer tonight and tomorrow. There is a chance we could have a reasonably balanced, working government, with Clegg managing to reign in some of Cameron’s more hare-brained ideas, but Clegg cannot stop them all. The worst part of it is, I feel, that it will be the big, long term issues that we’ll lose out on.
We shall see.
Friday, 23 April 2010
The Debates, Round 2, Q2
First, a note on the newspaper coverage. The Times, The Sun, and The Daily Fucking Mail had front page ‘Cameron wins’ bullshit, The Guardian had ‘Clegg wins’, which was, unfortunately, bullshit as well, and The Independent did it’s usual floaty go lucky thing, bloody waste of trees that it is.
Never has an event shown just how much biased is loaded into these publications, with various papers quoting various polls reinforcing their own headlines. Now, this is not news to most people, or at least those who can manage to wipe their own arseholes. If you posses a modicum of common sense, if you can manage the challenges of hand to arse interaction without anything ended up on the ceiling or in next doors garden, then you can see the desperation, the death throws, if I can go that far, of the old guard, the old establishment, the fat, bald mean clinging onto the remnants of the empire.
A Lib Dem win, which still unlikely at best, is a real concern for some king sized arse-warts like News International, like Lord Ashcroft, like the arms companies that want all our lovely cash. A few people with a lot of power have a vast amount to lose, but so do we if a cunt so big it’s only viewable from space becomes PM of this country.
Questions
Question 2: War
Fat Tosser Presenter Man seems to have forgotten what he’s doing here. Oh there he goes. God, Sky are so fucking shit. Where did they find these people? Did they have a competition to find the thickest members of the public and this was the prize? It fucking looks like it to me. Must be the same fanny flannel that designed the set. The background looks closer to the Autobot insignia than a Union Flag.
Some bloke who wins the prize for the Most Amusing Place Name of the Debate So Far, Whorefield or something, asks whether we will go to war again. Of course we fucking will, nob head. The questioner has confused Al Qaeda with the Taliban, and makes out that going to war is akin to helping grandma across the road, except granny ends up all kinds of dead by the end of it, and besides she asked for it, the cheeky bitch. And it takes 8 years.
Clegg
Supported Afghanistan, but not Iraq.
I don’t support Afghanistan, because the country is only worse off than it was back then, they’ve replaced one set of people with guns telling them what to do with another set of people with guns telling them what to do, except this time round everything has ‘USA’ and pictures of eagles smoking cigars stamped on it, except, notably, the most dangerous, isolated and plain old fashioned backwards parts of the country, the outlying regions geographically cut off from the world as we know it, who are still shitting in a hole in the ground, and have nought reasons to believe the Yanks and the ‘coalition of the willing’, (which features some of the greatest military superpowers the world has ever seen, like Afghanistan???, Rwanda, and Iceland, a country that does not feature a military, or currently, any banks, and who also by the way sound like a band of dirty as fuck, high class hookers, who even bring their own cocaine), have done or are going to do anything to improve their situation, or even just gain their trust.
Err, where was I.
Strategy and equipment wrong. Nuclear weapons not much good for this eh chaps?
Wants to do the job properly or not all, so I guess he wanted to go into Afghanistan and 9/11 the shit out of it, or 11/9 for anyone who can read the date.
Brown
Answers the question directly, by saying Al Qaeda are in Somilia and some other dump, which is clearly the reason we are not there ‘dealing with these problems’. Must be vigilant, otherwise the Chain of Terror is going to get us all, and give us a nasty paper cut. I think he’s got a chain of terror around his balls, that’s the only way of explaining his wincing ‘smile’. Gets a daily Terror Report, which must read something like the shipping forecast, Viking, rough or very rough becoming moderate later, Hebrides, mainly moderate, Al Qaeda, mainly terror. We’re also training the police over their, so they’ll be skilled in dealing with drunks and doing speed checks, in a country that is dry and doesn’t have any roads to speak of.
Cameron
Someone brought a hobo Cameron lookalike in, and he’s trollied. He’s gone all cross eyed. Maybe he’s finally cracked, and is going to shit himself to death. Wants to bring all policies together to make a super policy, consisting on the rounding up and execution of anyone without a butler or at least a full time lackey. Never send the troops into battle without the proper helicopters. What happens if there’s a space war, Cameron? Where are your space-helicopters? Dickhead. Is the aid there? What good is an M16 at providing aid? Unless by aid you mean ‘slow and painful death of funny looking foreign chap’, jolly shame, what. Needs an exit strategy. I suggest an entrance strategy, much like slipping into a lunatic asylum and replacing all the door handles with dismembered hands with a heating element in them for added effect.
Arguments
Cleggs
Reinforces earlier points, a ginger in the crowd agrees with him, the loner. Tells the Eurofighter to fuck off, has a point, after all the other world famous European collaboration is the Euro song contest, and we all know how that turns out, with Britain getting shafted and Terry Wogan leaving in disgust. Disgust.
Brown
Support troops, wants a defence review, doesn’t have the conviction behind it like Cleggers does. Moves onto the ‘Dee-troit’ bomber, who was apparently given his orders ‘from Somalia’, which would be a bit of a fucking revelation to say the least, and can’t possibly be, or America would have invaded them 10 years ago, and would still be there, shooting each other. Can’t allow ‘turrurists’ to have territory. Who is signing over land to Mr. A. Terrorist?
Cameron
Got ‘blown away by a professional’ in Afghanistan, and he subsequently went back 3 times for more. He loves those army boys. Brown looks jealous. Clegg looks curious. Went for a run, woopee fucking do. I went for a run, but I was chasing the kebab van, looking for some dead cat to gnaw on. Afghan people should be part of the government, to do what though, he doesn’t specify. Stand out front like a living statue, begging passing countries for their small change? Political situation is all up-fucked. Nothing to do with 8 years of war, tit end?
Clegg
Point is pin pointing. I can’t pin point your point. No point. Mechanics look after vehicles. Fuck me, that’s a headline that writes itself. ‘Mechanic in spanner blunder, tightens wrong nut, now called Timmy No Bollocks’. Proper equipment needed.
Brown
Repeating his line from the last debate about the Terror-Ists changing their tactics, and the Army is so shit they were fucking helpless, dicks flapping in the wind, at the mercy of an army equipped with Tesco Value Weapons, and a copy of Saddam Hussain’s Fighting Tanks with Misinformation for Dummies, 2nd edition (limited print run). Now they’re using ‘inte-err-err’ devices, which sound really fucking mean. Devices are designed to scare and maim their troops, I think they have the right idea, I wouldn’t have hired the guy who wanted to deploy weapons designed to dish out cuddles and Mr. Whippey left right and centre. Wants to make sure we have the proper intelligence, with no mention of that whole Iraq thing.
Cameron
Bigs up Trident, we shouldn’t equip our troops properly today for the sake of securing the future for the future. What the blazes is he on about? Clegg knows something is up, but Brown is staring long into the audience, looking for someone to snack on on the way home, back to his cave. We’re safer with Nukes. We’re not, you cock eyed fuck. I think they off’d him between debates and have resurrected Thatcher and stuffed her into his hollow, lifeless carcass. Simply doesn’t know what the world will look like in 40 years time. Probably filled with nukes, until some Iranian bloke misreads his Russian built, Chinese manufactured bomb and decides to ‘make smokey happy’. It’s a pathetic argument, it’s like saying let’s lock everyone up on the basis that they may one day commit a crime, like not use a servant to stand on whilst mounting one’s circus elephant or using a soup spoon to beat a commoner when the law clearly states you must use at least a silver handled peasant repression, sorry, correction cane.
Clegg
Should listen to the generals, the experts, who say the decision doesn’t need to be taken now and there are better and cheaper alternatives, like tackling the root cause of the issue, not having them for the sake of it. Cites Obama. Trident isn’t going to help with dirty bombs, sounds saucy. This is a FUD tactic Labour have used again and again. And once again, it’s a point that Clegg fails to bring up, especially after what happens next.
Brown
Makes these decisions every day. Does he really have to decide on such an issue on a daily basis? Does that come after the Terror Report? Tells Clegg to get real, thrice. If I were Cleff I would tell him to fuck the fuck off. Iran might be able to have a nuclear weapon. I might be able to have a shit, but until your trousers are down, you can only postulate as to what’s going to happen - nuclear war or machine gun fire? Nobody knows. Why doesn’t Clegg point out that we’ve had nukes for 50 years and the number of countries with nuclear weapons has… increased. The number of nuclear weapons has… increased. The number of countries on the famous ‘Axe of Evil’ or whatever the fuck it was called with nuclear weapons has… no prizes for this one… increased. North Korea are not worried in the slightest, because what are we going to do, nuke Pyongyang? No, of course we're fucking not. So you should get real, Gordon Brown, there are as much use as your fucking bright ideas. I just don’t understand why Clegg does not make this point. Baffling.
Clegg
Dangerous to commit to spend a whole lot of money on a system that may or may not be of any use. Hasn't made any fucking difference so far. Nukes should be at the heart of a defence review, not excluded like they would be from Browns.
Cameron
Agrees with Gordon, audience laugh, a little of me dies. Apparently we have a general called Mike Jackson. The King is dead, long live the king. Have to make this decision early. No we don’t, we’re just buying them off the shelf of America’s great WMD Emporium, you pawn. Can’t rustle up a nuclear ‘deterrent’ at the last minute. We didn’t make one in the first place, for fucks sake, why oh why isn’t Clegg making any of these points, even doing it badly would do.
Conclusion
Clegg makes the most realistic points, so Browns cheerleading evidently helped. Cameron is again unconvincing, and the only point he gets across is his irrational support of Trident, because his chums at BAE see pound signs every time it’s mentioned. Brown is not much better but comes out of the war round, as expected, on top, his stoic style helps in the context of this question and its Browns style over substance that wins out, because Clegg takes it on content, if any bugger was listening. I don’t think Brown realises the irony, and even if he did, he’d only eat you or a passer by.
In the next question, we talk hair styles and loft insulation. No, this isn't Loose Women.
Never has an event shown just how much biased is loaded into these publications, with various papers quoting various polls reinforcing their own headlines. Now, this is not news to most people, or at least those who can manage to wipe their own arseholes. If you posses a modicum of common sense, if you can manage the challenges of hand to arse interaction without anything ended up on the ceiling or in next doors garden, then you can see the desperation, the death throws, if I can go that far, of the old guard, the old establishment, the fat, bald mean clinging onto the remnants of the empire.
A Lib Dem win, which still unlikely at best, is a real concern for some king sized arse-warts like News International, like Lord Ashcroft, like the arms companies that want all our lovely cash. A few people with a lot of power have a vast amount to lose, but so do we if a cunt so big it’s only viewable from space becomes PM of this country.
Questions
Question 2: War
Fat Tosser Presenter Man seems to have forgotten what he’s doing here. Oh there he goes. God, Sky are so fucking shit. Where did they find these people? Did they have a competition to find the thickest members of the public and this was the prize? It fucking looks like it to me. Must be the same fanny flannel that designed the set. The background looks closer to the Autobot insignia than a Union Flag.
Some bloke who wins the prize for the Most Amusing Place Name of the Debate So Far, Whorefield or something, asks whether we will go to war again. Of course we fucking will, nob head. The questioner has confused Al Qaeda with the Taliban, and makes out that going to war is akin to helping grandma across the road, except granny ends up all kinds of dead by the end of it, and besides she asked for it, the cheeky bitch. And it takes 8 years.
Clegg
Supported Afghanistan, but not Iraq.
I don’t support Afghanistan, because the country is only worse off than it was back then, they’ve replaced one set of people with guns telling them what to do with another set of people with guns telling them what to do, except this time round everything has ‘USA’ and pictures of eagles smoking cigars stamped on it, except, notably, the most dangerous, isolated and plain old fashioned backwards parts of the country, the outlying regions geographically cut off from the world as we know it, who are still shitting in a hole in the ground, and have nought reasons to believe the Yanks and the ‘coalition of the willing’, (which features some of the greatest military superpowers the world has ever seen, like Afghanistan???, Rwanda, and Iceland, a country that does not feature a military, or currently, any banks, and who also by the way sound like a band of dirty as fuck, high class hookers, who even bring their own cocaine), have done or are going to do anything to improve their situation, or even just gain their trust.
Err, where was I.
Strategy and equipment wrong. Nuclear weapons not much good for this eh chaps?
Wants to do the job properly or not all, so I guess he wanted to go into Afghanistan and 9/11 the shit out of it, or 11/9 for anyone who can read the date.
Brown
Answers the question directly, by saying Al Qaeda are in Somilia and some other dump, which is clearly the reason we are not there ‘dealing with these problems’. Must be vigilant, otherwise the Chain of Terror is going to get us all, and give us a nasty paper cut. I think he’s got a chain of terror around his balls, that’s the only way of explaining his wincing ‘smile’. Gets a daily Terror Report, which must read something like the shipping forecast, Viking, rough or very rough becoming moderate later, Hebrides, mainly moderate, Al Qaeda, mainly terror. We’re also training the police over their, so they’ll be skilled in dealing with drunks and doing speed checks, in a country that is dry and doesn’t have any roads to speak of.
Cameron
Someone brought a hobo Cameron lookalike in, and he’s trollied. He’s gone all cross eyed. Maybe he’s finally cracked, and is going to shit himself to death. Wants to bring all policies together to make a super policy, consisting on the rounding up and execution of anyone without a butler or at least a full time lackey. Never send the troops into battle without the proper helicopters. What happens if there’s a space war, Cameron? Where are your space-helicopters? Dickhead. Is the aid there? What good is an M16 at providing aid? Unless by aid you mean ‘slow and painful death of funny looking foreign chap’, jolly shame, what. Needs an exit strategy. I suggest an entrance strategy, much like slipping into a lunatic asylum and replacing all the door handles with dismembered hands with a heating element in them for added effect.
Arguments
Cleggs
Reinforces earlier points, a ginger in the crowd agrees with him, the loner. Tells the Eurofighter to fuck off, has a point, after all the other world famous European collaboration is the Euro song contest, and we all know how that turns out, with Britain getting shafted and Terry Wogan leaving in disgust. Disgust.
Brown
Support troops, wants a defence review, doesn’t have the conviction behind it like Cleggers does. Moves onto the ‘Dee-troit’ bomber, who was apparently given his orders ‘from Somalia’, which would be a bit of a fucking revelation to say the least, and can’t possibly be, or America would have invaded them 10 years ago, and would still be there, shooting each other. Can’t allow ‘turrurists’ to have territory. Who is signing over land to Mr. A. Terrorist?
Cameron
Got ‘blown away by a professional’ in Afghanistan, and he subsequently went back 3 times for more. He loves those army boys. Brown looks jealous. Clegg looks curious. Went for a run, woopee fucking do. I went for a run, but I was chasing the kebab van, looking for some dead cat to gnaw on. Afghan people should be part of the government, to do what though, he doesn’t specify. Stand out front like a living statue, begging passing countries for their small change? Political situation is all up-fucked. Nothing to do with 8 years of war, tit end?
Clegg
Point is pin pointing. I can’t pin point your point. No point. Mechanics look after vehicles. Fuck me, that’s a headline that writes itself. ‘Mechanic in spanner blunder, tightens wrong nut, now called Timmy No Bollocks’. Proper equipment needed.
Brown
Repeating his line from the last debate about the Terror-Ists changing their tactics, and the Army is so shit they were fucking helpless, dicks flapping in the wind, at the mercy of an army equipped with Tesco Value Weapons, and a copy of Saddam Hussain’s Fighting Tanks with Misinformation for Dummies, 2nd edition (limited print run). Now they’re using ‘inte-err-err’ devices, which sound really fucking mean. Devices are designed to scare and maim their troops, I think they have the right idea, I wouldn’t have hired the guy who wanted to deploy weapons designed to dish out cuddles and Mr. Whippey left right and centre. Wants to make sure we have the proper intelligence, with no mention of that whole Iraq thing.
Cameron
Bigs up Trident, we shouldn’t equip our troops properly today for the sake of securing the future for the future. What the blazes is he on about? Clegg knows something is up, but Brown is staring long into the audience, looking for someone to snack on on the way home, back to his cave. We’re safer with Nukes. We’re not, you cock eyed fuck. I think they off’d him between debates and have resurrected Thatcher and stuffed her into his hollow, lifeless carcass. Simply doesn’t know what the world will look like in 40 years time. Probably filled with nukes, until some Iranian bloke misreads his Russian built, Chinese manufactured bomb and decides to ‘make smokey happy’. It’s a pathetic argument, it’s like saying let’s lock everyone up on the basis that they may one day commit a crime, like not use a servant to stand on whilst mounting one’s circus elephant or using a soup spoon to beat a commoner when the law clearly states you must use at least a silver handled peasant repression, sorry, correction cane.
Clegg
Should listen to the generals, the experts, who say the decision doesn’t need to be taken now and there are better and cheaper alternatives, like tackling the root cause of the issue, not having them for the sake of it. Cites Obama. Trident isn’t going to help with dirty bombs, sounds saucy. This is a FUD tactic Labour have used again and again. And once again, it’s a point that Clegg fails to bring up, especially after what happens next.
Brown
Makes these decisions every day. Does he really have to decide on such an issue on a daily basis? Does that come after the Terror Report? Tells Clegg to get real, thrice. If I were Cleff I would tell him to fuck the fuck off. Iran might be able to have a nuclear weapon. I might be able to have a shit, but until your trousers are down, you can only postulate as to what’s going to happen - nuclear war or machine gun fire? Nobody knows. Why doesn’t Clegg point out that we’ve had nukes for 50 years and the number of countries with nuclear weapons has… increased. The number of nuclear weapons has… increased. The number of countries on the famous ‘Axe of Evil’ or whatever the fuck it was called with nuclear weapons has… no prizes for this one… increased. North Korea are not worried in the slightest, because what are we going to do, nuke Pyongyang? No, of course we're fucking not. So you should get real, Gordon Brown, there are as much use as your fucking bright ideas. I just don’t understand why Clegg does not make this point. Baffling.
Clegg
Dangerous to commit to spend a whole lot of money on a system that may or may not be of any use. Hasn't made any fucking difference so far. Nukes should be at the heart of a defence review, not excluded like they would be from Browns.
Cameron
Agrees with Gordon, audience laugh, a little of me dies. Apparently we have a general called Mike Jackson. The King is dead, long live the king. Have to make this decision early. No we don’t, we’re just buying them off the shelf of America’s great WMD Emporium, you pawn. Can’t rustle up a nuclear ‘deterrent’ at the last minute. We didn’t make one in the first place, for fucks sake, why oh why isn’t Clegg making any of these points, even doing it badly would do.
Conclusion
Clegg makes the most realistic points, so Browns cheerleading evidently helped. Cameron is again unconvincing, and the only point he gets across is his irrational support of Trident, because his chums at BAE see pound signs every time it’s mentioned. Brown is not much better but comes out of the war round, as expected, on top, his stoic style helps in the context of this question and its Browns style over substance that wins out, because Clegg takes it on content, if any bugger was listening. I don’t think Brown realises the irony, and even if he did, he’d only eat you or a passer by.
In the next question, we talk hair styles and loft insulation. No, this isn't Loose Women.
Thursday, 22 April 2010
The Debates, Round 2
Onto Round 2.
A hilarious slew of damaging headlines in the papers today regarding various aspects of Clegg, my personal favourite being, who else, the Daily Mail's slanderous Nazi accusation. It’s just unbelievable. How fucking stupid do you have to be to believe this shit?
One thing I have to get off my tired, droopy cans is this business of the ‘wiggly worm’ that various channels and media outlets have had on proud display, like their babies first solid shit. It’s a graph, not a fucking worm, so what, it’s a graph that moves, it’s still a fucking graph, for fucks sake, you patronising patch of clingy toilet bowl flak.
Also, on a side note, Rebekah [sic] Wade and James Murdoch invaded the offices of the Indy today, to launch into a rage against the incumbent editor, Simon Kelner, against the Indy’s attack on News International. It wasn’t really an attack on News International, the Indy was just saying ‘you’ will decide the election, not Murdoch Sr, thank fuck, the Australian cunt. Massive, massive desperation, what a pair of certified snatch scratchers.
Anyway, momentum has been on the Lib Dems side, and they’ve been dealing with that well enough but that haven’t been fully prepared for the scathing attacks they are receiving and will continue to receive unless they crash and burn. The Lid Dems have got to rise to the challenge, it’s now or never.
Sky’s coverage started off with, what else, Heli Cam, looking down on a building, like they were expecting it to explode any second now. It didn’t. Some stupid bitch began the voice over in the least professional manner I’ve ever heard, she sounded like she was getting her face rammed and then suddenly remembered she had the biggest broadcast of her life to do. I swear it started with an ‘Errrrrrrrrrr, shit, we’re on, quickly, take your balls out of my shitter.’
Then some fat bloke with the presenting skills of a mouldy tampon racks up to start the debate. There are Union Jacks everywhere, like they’re trying to remind the audience what fucking country they’re in and biblical music like the world depends on dopey, poncey, and mincey.
Opening statements
Gordon ‘My face is grafted on’ Brown
‘This isn’t a popularity contest.’ I hate to tell you, Grafty, but this is the very definition of a popularity contest, especially with a movement-adverse, apathetic audience, with the cumulative IQ of the bacon currently attempting to mate with my fridge. He’s going be substance over style, can we chose the substance? If we can, I would choose ‘obscurity’. He’s your man. For what, I don’t know. Blocking up the bog? Eating all the Cheese-Os? The streets need to be free of terror, why don’t you get rid of the corporate whorefests that inhabit this country’s town centres? What a fucking terrifying abomination. He can deliver. Your pizza. Although I’m not sure I want a pizza from ‘Brown Delivery’.
David ‘Cultivated Thatcher’ Cameron
Says the word ‘change’ three times in quick succession, without a hint of irony. The only change people will see from you is a sudden and alarming case of country wide gentrification. We’ll have a new team running the country. The fucking B team, that’s for sure. More balls about bureaucracy and value for money, says a man who uses woolly mammoth tusks as toothpicks. I’m sure you’re peoples will get value for money all right, our fucking money, my fucking money, you cunt plug. Waffles some drivel about a big and scary society or something, I stopped listening.
Nick ‘I’m here for the pies’ Clegg
Proud of our country. Don’t get all BNP on us. Goes straight on the attack over torture, Iraqistan, but doesn’t quite go far enough. Talks a lot about leadership, those are the credentials he needs to talk up. Wants us to be free of nuclear weapons, needs to devise a way of saying that a country without nuclear weapons is not weak, merely sane. Must do better. Sad face. Some lip flapping about climate change that leads neatly onto his mother being a prisoner of war that was freed by the British army. Good for her, good for him, neither of the other two have that kind of material. Wants us to be a force for good, like a powerful guff that unleashes the brown demons on a Monday morning. Always more satisfying when you’re shitting on company time, and I’m glad Clegg realises that.
Questions
Question 1: Europe, bad
I don’t know who selects these questions and I can’t be fucked to find out, but my suspicion would be Sky on this once, given as they start with what has got to be one of the Lib Dems weakest suits, and the fact that it’s asked by a rock solid Europhobe, how convenient.
Cameron
We should be in Europe. We already are, you noodle armed fanny sock. But we need to stop Europe, it’s got too much power, the dilithium crystals canna take it, Cap’n. Should be in it, not run by it, like we’re a corner shop being taken over by Tesco’s, except Tesco’s are a Franco-German alliance, and they want to take away all hygiene products and ‘personal’ hair removal devices, and replace them with bureaucracy and a lack of humour. Wants to keep the pound, a subject most people view as a part of the fabric of British society, and therefore themselves, without at least considering the benefits of the Euro, never mind possessing the ability to understand the implications of a switch.
More fucking tit-rash about value for money. Wants to cut rules and regulations, despite the economic crash being caused by a distinct lack of rules and regulations around the world, for the birds and the bees, the earth and trees, not to mention the Gods, not to mention the Gods. Says something about Sarkozy standing up in Europe, then I remember Sarkozy needs a booster seat at all times, even when he’s on the shitter.
Cleggs
EU not perfect. No. Shit. Took them 15 years to define chocolate, I’m pretty sure he used that anecdote in the last debate, amusing as it is. Moves onto the benefits of working together with Europe to fight international crime, like the illegal trading of unsanctioned super hero outer-underwear. Europe can regulate the banks, with such tax empyreans as Switzerland and Monaco, sure, that’s going to happen. Reform the EU, we shall, yes. No. Stronger together, weaker apart, like an alcoholic talking to his bottle of reconstituted whiskey substitute.
Brown
Jobs, trade, noise. Doesn’t want isolation. Gordon, you have got to be the most isolated man on the whole of these Isles. Bigs up his role in the financial crisis despite actively encouraging it for over a decade. Neither of the other two subsequently pick up on this. Christ on a bike, am I the only person who is fucking awake here? Bums America for some reason, suppose he’s got to let the 3 people watching over there know he cares, and is ready to invade whichever country that sounds like an additive they want him to, ongoing war or not. Climate change is a priority, although obviously not as much a priority as making so much cash that it has it’s own gravitational pull.
Arguments
Cameron
Giving away powers with out asking. We are not all Dark Lords at the Table of Hades, you piss funnel. Moves onto the soft target of the Lisbon Treaty, and attempts to attack the Lib Dems over it. It is an important subject, and I believe we shouldn’t have signed it, but if anyone should be under attack it should be Labour. Wants a guaranteed referendum on all future EU laws, which will be quite difficult, because I don’t know why Karen from Essex is going to vote in favour of Romanian dog farming reform.
Clegg
Wants a referendum on the transfer of powers to the EU, no doubt the power to make a nice soufflé or something. Hold on, he’s changed his mind, he wants a referendum on whether we stay in the EU. Well, we beat them, and we still joined them, so we’re like a neurotic 14 year who can’t decide whether we want to pat the pink of Europe or to poke the brown of America. Then busts out the braking of some paedo ring thanks to EU cooperation. Trying to make crime fighting central to the EU argument. Are you listening? I’m fucking not.
Brown
The EU is good for our economy. Agreed. It would be better if we were part of the Euro, however. But we have more pressing problems, sounds like Brown is yet again busting for another shit.
Cameron
Don’t trust the people. Give in to Brussels. I’m sure there’s more to this, but that’s what my notes say, so that’s what he said. What is he on about? I though the Tories were anti-Europe. Good God. He’s gone bat shit insane. Needs to be returned to sender, preferably in an amusing, ‘self pleasuring’ position.
Clegg
Says the Conservatives will be having referendums on each and every ‘treaty’. Surely you people are employed to makes theses decisions on our behalf because we don’t know what the fuck we’re on about. Will negotiate trade deals. Um, good thing? Bad thing? Can’t you just go in there guns blazing? Talks up his ‘past life’ credentials of having worked in Europe. A lot of Sun readers will be shuddering at this thought, unable to comprehend what it means, no doubt suffering an aneurysm at even to attempting to understand. The super powers are bumping, stop putting on that Western infidel popular music, I don’t want to be inappropriately touched by China. Some people like that sort of thing, not I.
Brown
Wants to focus on the job in hand. Tories gone with extremists. I consider the Daily Mail to be run by extremists, so that’s a given, but he is right on this point, the Tories have aligned themselves with several Eastern European parties that would at least be described as ‘nutters’, a subject we will touch on later.
Cameron
Says something about difference in policies, Clegg says ‘but’ 26 times but is talked over, should have told Cameron to shut the fuck up, I’m trying to make a point here.
Cleggs
Finally slaughters Cameron over the aforementioned associations with various nut jobs in Eastern Europe, saying they are homophobic, climate denying, anti Semitic window lickers. Cameron has no answer to this, doing his pursing of lips thing.
Brown
’These two remind me of my kids squabbling at bath time.’ Ahahahaha. Funny, funny, melty face Brown. Sprinkles in a light Clegg bumming.
Cameron
Will stand up for Britain. Says the other two want to take away the UK’s seat at the UN security council and replace it with an EU one. It’s not that bad an idea, except it would be difficult to push UK interests, and as the EU keeps expanding, it would get more difficult.
Brown
We would be stronger. Probably. Let us not forget just how much the UN security council means when the UK and the US steamrollered through there and straight into Iraq.
Clegg
Don’t listen to the Tory scare stories. Rightly so.
Conclusion
They all came out fighting, that’s for sure. Brown was much better in expressing his points, much snappier, and seems to have a bit more fight in him. Brown tried to throw in a couple of early punches about the economy but they seemed out of place. Clegg only really managed to send Cameron down Jabroni Drive on EEU party allegiances. Clegg’s points about international crime busting were unconvincing, but a referendum on Britain’s existence in the EU may be appealing to some. Cameron was portrayed as being anti-EU but he didn’t make the case for it, he does not want to come across as anti-EU, although we all know that he is. Isolation was mentioned a few times, and I’d rather be with Europe than America. Several aspects of our society have moved towards American models, and they’ve all been hopeless failures, like foreign policy, economic deregulation, part privatisation of the NHS and education system and my personal bug bear, tearing down perfectly good buildings in town centres to make way for an identikit shopping centre, sucking any remaining character out of so many towns in the UK. Anyway, back to Cameron, he was the least effective communicator, he said words but they just didn’t mean anything. Definitely no substance. This questions ‘winner’ is dependent on what your views around Europe are, if you’re anti, then its Cameron, if you’re pro, then its Lab or Lib.
Join us tomorrow, for a light lunch of War.
A hilarious slew of damaging headlines in the papers today regarding various aspects of Clegg, my personal favourite being, who else, the Daily Mail's slanderous Nazi accusation. It’s just unbelievable. How fucking stupid do you have to be to believe this shit?
One thing I have to get off my tired, droopy cans is this business of the ‘wiggly worm’ that various channels and media outlets have had on proud display, like their babies first solid shit. It’s a graph, not a fucking worm, so what, it’s a graph that moves, it’s still a fucking graph, for fucks sake, you patronising patch of clingy toilet bowl flak.
Also, on a side note, Rebekah [sic] Wade and James Murdoch invaded the offices of the Indy today, to launch into a rage against the incumbent editor, Simon Kelner, against the Indy’s attack on News International. It wasn’t really an attack on News International, the Indy was just saying ‘you’ will decide the election, not Murdoch Sr, thank fuck, the Australian cunt. Massive, massive desperation, what a pair of certified snatch scratchers.
Anyway, momentum has been on the Lib Dems side, and they’ve been dealing with that well enough but that haven’t been fully prepared for the scathing attacks they are receiving and will continue to receive unless they crash and burn. The Lid Dems have got to rise to the challenge, it’s now or never.
Sky’s coverage started off with, what else, Heli Cam, looking down on a building, like they were expecting it to explode any second now. It didn’t. Some stupid bitch began the voice over in the least professional manner I’ve ever heard, she sounded like she was getting her face rammed and then suddenly remembered she had the biggest broadcast of her life to do. I swear it started with an ‘Errrrrrrrrrr, shit, we’re on, quickly, take your balls out of my shitter.’
Then some fat bloke with the presenting skills of a mouldy tampon racks up to start the debate. There are Union Jacks everywhere, like they’re trying to remind the audience what fucking country they’re in and biblical music like the world depends on dopey, poncey, and mincey.
Opening statements
Gordon ‘My face is grafted on’ Brown
‘This isn’t a popularity contest.’ I hate to tell you, Grafty, but this is the very definition of a popularity contest, especially with a movement-adverse, apathetic audience, with the cumulative IQ of the bacon currently attempting to mate with my fridge. He’s going be substance over style, can we chose the substance? If we can, I would choose ‘obscurity’. He’s your man. For what, I don’t know. Blocking up the bog? Eating all the Cheese-Os? The streets need to be free of terror, why don’t you get rid of the corporate whorefests that inhabit this country’s town centres? What a fucking terrifying abomination. He can deliver. Your pizza. Although I’m not sure I want a pizza from ‘Brown Delivery’.
David ‘Cultivated Thatcher’ Cameron
Says the word ‘change’ three times in quick succession, without a hint of irony. The only change people will see from you is a sudden and alarming case of country wide gentrification. We’ll have a new team running the country. The fucking B team, that’s for sure. More balls about bureaucracy and value for money, says a man who uses woolly mammoth tusks as toothpicks. I’m sure you’re peoples will get value for money all right, our fucking money, my fucking money, you cunt plug. Waffles some drivel about a big and scary society or something, I stopped listening.
Nick ‘I’m here for the pies’ Clegg
Proud of our country. Don’t get all BNP on us. Goes straight on the attack over torture, Iraqistan, but doesn’t quite go far enough. Talks a lot about leadership, those are the credentials he needs to talk up. Wants us to be free of nuclear weapons, needs to devise a way of saying that a country without nuclear weapons is not weak, merely sane. Must do better. Sad face. Some lip flapping about climate change that leads neatly onto his mother being a prisoner of war that was freed by the British army. Good for her, good for him, neither of the other two have that kind of material. Wants us to be a force for good, like a powerful guff that unleashes the brown demons on a Monday morning. Always more satisfying when you’re shitting on company time, and I’m glad Clegg realises that.
Questions
Question 1: Europe, bad
I don’t know who selects these questions and I can’t be fucked to find out, but my suspicion would be Sky on this once, given as they start with what has got to be one of the Lib Dems weakest suits, and the fact that it’s asked by a rock solid Europhobe, how convenient.
Cameron
We should be in Europe. We already are, you noodle armed fanny sock. But we need to stop Europe, it’s got too much power, the dilithium crystals canna take it, Cap’n. Should be in it, not run by it, like we’re a corner shop being taken over by Tesco’s, except Tesco’s are a Franco-German alliance, and they want to take away all hygiene products and ‘personal’ hair removal devices, and replace them with bureaucracy and a lack of humour. Wants to keep the pound, a subject most people view as a part of the fabric of British society, and therefore themselves, without at least considering the benefits of the Euro, never mind possessing the ability to understand the implications of a switch.
More fucking tit-rash about value for money. Wants to cut rules and regulations, despite the economic crash being caused by a distinct lack of rules and regulations around the world, for the birds and the bees, the earth and trees, not to mention the Gods, not to mention the Gods. Says something about Sarkozy standing up in Europe, then I remember Sarkozy needs a booster seat at all times, even when he’s on the shitter.
Cleggs
EU not perfect. No. Shit. Took them 15 years to define chocolate, I’m pretty sure he used that anecdote in the last debate, amusing as it is. Moves onto the benefits of working together with Europe to fight international crime, like the illegal trading of unsanctioned super hero outer-underwear. Europe can regulate the banks, with such tax empyreans as Switzerland and Monaco, sure, that’s going to happen. Reform the EU, we shall, yes. No. Stronger together, weaker apart, like an alcoholic talking to his bottle of reconstituted whiskey substitute.
Brown
Jobs, trade, noise. Doesn’t want isolation. Gordon, you have got to be the most isolated man on the whole of these Isles. Bigs up his role in the financial crisis despite actively encouraging it for over a decade. Neither of the other two subsequently pick up on this. Christ on a bike, am I the only person who is fucking awake here? Bums America for some reason, suppose he’s got to let the 3 people watching over there know he cares, and is ready to invade whichever country that sounds like an additive they want him to, ongoing war or not. Climate change is a priority, although obviously not as much a priority as making so much cash that it has it’s own gravitational pull.
Arguments
Cameron
Giving away powers with out asking. We are not all Dark Lords at the Table of Hades, you piss funnel. Moves onto the soft target of the Lisbon Treaty, and attempts to attack the Lib Dems over it. It is an important subject, and I believe we shouldn’t have signed it, but if anyone should be under attack it should be Labour. Wants a guaranteed referendum on all future EU laws, which will be quite difficult, because I don’t know why Karen from Essex is going to vote in favour of Romanian dog farming reform.
Clegg
Wants a referendum on the transfer of powers to the EU, no doubt the power to make a nice soufflé or something. Hold on, he’s changed his mind, he wants a referendum on whether we stay in the EU. Well, we beat them, and we still joined them, so we’re like a neurotic 14 year who can’t decide whether we want to pat the pink of Europe or to poke the brown of America. Then busts out the braking of some paedo ring thanks to EU cooperation. Trying to make crime fighting central to the EU argument. Are you listening? I’m fucking not.
Brown
The EU is good for our economy. Agreed. It would be better if we were part of the Euro, however. But we have more pressing problems, sounds like Brown is yet again busting for another shit.
Cameron
Don’t trust the people. Give in to Brussels. I’m sure there’s more to this, but that’s what my notes say, so that’s what he said. What is he on about? I though the Tories were anti-Europe. Good God. He’s gone bat shit insane. Needs to be returned to sender, preferably in an amusing, ‘self pleasuring’ position.
Clegg
Says the Conservatives will be having referendums on each and every ‘treaty’. Surely you people are employed to makes theses decisions on our behalf because we don’t know what the fuck we’re on about. Will negotiate trade deals. Um, good thing? Bad thing? Can’t you just go in there guns blazing? Talks up his ‘past life’ credentials of having worked in Europe. A lot of Sun readers will be shuddering at this thought, unable to comprehend what it means, no doubt suffering an aneurysm at even to attempting to understand. The super powers are bumping, stop putting on that Western infidel popular music, I don’t want to be inappropriately touched by China. Some people like that sort of thing, not I.
Brown
Wants to focus on the job in hand. Tories gone with extremists. I consider the Daily Mail to be run by extremists, so that’s a given, but he is right on this point, the Tories have aligned themselves with several Eastern European parties that would at least be described as ‘nutters’, a subject we will touch on later.
Cameron
Says something about difference in policies, Clegg says ‘but’ 26 times but is talked over, should have told Cameron to shut the fuck up, I’m trying to make a point here.
Cleggs
Finally slaughters Cameron over the aforementioned associations with various nut jobs in Eastern Europe, saying they are homophobic, climate denying, anti Semitic window lickers. Cameron has no answer to this, doing his pursing of lips thing.
Brown
’These two remind me of my kids squabbling at bath time.’ Ahahahaha. Funny, funny, melty face Brown. Sprinkles in a light Clegg bumming.
Cameron
Will stand up for Britain. Says the other two want to take away the UK’s seat at the UN security council and replace it with an EU one. It’s not that bad an idea, except it would be difficult to push UK interests, and as the EU keeps expanding, it would get more difficult.
Brown
We would be stronger. Probably. Let us not forget just how much the UN security council means when the UK and the US steamrollered through there and straight into Iraq.
Clegg
Don’t listen to the Tory scare stories. Rightly so.
Conclusion
They all came out fighting, that’s for sure. Brown was much better in expressing his points, much snappier, and seems to have a bit more fight in him. Brown tried to throw in a couple of early punches about the economy but they seemed out of place. Clegg only really managed to send Cameron down Jabroni Drive on EEU party allegiances. Clegg’s points about international crime busting were unconvincing, but a referendum on Britain’s existence in the EU may be appealing to some. Cameron was portrayed as being anti-EU but he didn’t make the case for it, he does not want to come across as anti-EU, although we all know that he is. Isolation was mentioned a few times, and I’d rather be with Europe than America. Several aspects of our society have moved towards American models, and they’ve all been hopeless failures, like foreign policy, economic deregulation, part privatisation of the NHS and education system and my personal bug bear, tearing down perfectly good buildings in town centres to make way for an identikit shopping centre, sucking any remaining character out of so many towns in the UK. Anyway, back to Cameron, he was the least effective communicator, he said words but they just didn’t mean anything. Definitely no substance. This questions ‘winner’ is dependent on what your views around Europe are, if you’re anti, then its Cameron, if you’re pro, then its Lab or Lib.
Join us tomorrow, for a light lunch of War.
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
Reflections
Guuuuuuuuuuuh.
So, it’s been a week, the volcano business took the edge off the coverage, bet Cameron thanks his gods for that, let us reflect and refract.
Brown
It went as good or as bad as your perceived expectation levels required. It was neither. He didn’t really suffer that much for being in charge of the party in power for oh so long, and he seems like the man suited to the job, but his policies and his party are not. Amazingly, I don’t hate Gordon Brown the man, I do, however, hate Gordon Brown the politician. He’s trying to get in bed with the Lezza Fem-Doms, in a car crash attempt to stay in power. It’s not quite kamikaze, but if the rise of the Cleggerton continues after the next debate, or dare I say it, accelerates, then he’s going to have to go from suck to blow. If the only alternative to the Tories getting in is a power sharing deal between the Lib Dems and Labour, then so be it. Hell, some good might even come of it. Just please get rid of Mandelson. Seems to have been quiet on the post debate rhetoric, apart from wheeling out a few choice ball sacks to say how they ‘won’ this debate. Like fuck.
Cameron
Was generally made to look foolish. A pile of shit with a side of bacon. Did not properly take on the questions from the audience, and didn’t address the attacks from Clegg and Brown. He had his moments, mostly on Tory bread and butter like crime and defence. Come to think of it, those were the only subjects where he made the remotest amount of sense. The rest of the time it was Daily Mail, Statistics and I’m not that posh, just look at my butt head wife, she’s far richer that I am, and that’s why I want to cut inheritance tax, for my own personal goddamn benefit.
A lot has been said of the similarities between Labour and Conservative policies but one thing this debate has thankfully highlighted is just how self serving, how out of touch, how down right untrustworthy Cameron and his party of fuck ends are. I watched some other retard festival on ITV about the debates and they asked the audience who was going to vote Conservative. This horse faced fucking moose put her bint driven bell-shaking arm up in air and just drivelled on about how much of a cunt you have to be to vote for the King of Cunts, David Cameron, esquire. She sounded so rich, you could feel the money oozing out of every pore of her wide-gauge starfish, you knew she had been indoctrinated from birth by Daddy to be this delusional. It exemplified the kind of toss pieces you would be voting into power, the kind of people you would be aligning yourself with, if you decided to tick that box. Don’t. Just don’t. Think of the puppies.
Glecc
There is a reason for using this particular image, and that is, as you may have noticed, there has been a bit of a kerfuffle surrounding Clegg. Some have whispered the name of the Great Leader Who Turned Out To Be Average, Barack Obama, and Nicolarse Clegg, in the same sentence. Now, there are several problems with this. Firstly, Obama was preaching to Americans, a nation of dogs. Simple, excitable, and willing to attempt to devour anything. Secondly, America is a country that kind of a bit voted for George Bush twice. Twice. Twice. Once was not enough for them. Oh no. Thirdly, he came from literally no-where to what is undoubtedly the biggest job in the known universe, apart from, obviously, Operah’s clunge attendant.
A depressingly large number of people will be referring to Clegg as ‘that bloke from the gay party’, but after being entirely ignored for the past forever by the media, to now have a platform with an average 5 million people watching, 10 at its peak, and get across the most sensible policies, generally, was nothing short of a break through, a decisive victory. I doubt, however, it will lead to the overall victory of the Lib Dems, not least because of the system used to determine the party in power, but also because right now the focus is going to be most intensely on Clegg. He’s faltered just a bit this week, and needs to, I hate to say it, up his game, you can tell he’s not used to this level of scrutiny, and the others will come out attacking in Round 2. But if he does excel at the next debate, and manage the attention properly, maybe, just maybe, we can dream. This is being typed with a large cauldron of salt.
So who can win Round 2? Will there be more viewers? Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
I don’t foresee much of a pattern change, which is good, but Clegg can nail it from here, if he’s a little more lively, more passionate, he needs to appear tougher, attack, and show a real edge. Needs to emphasise the third way, the real change without saying the word change, that’s the challenge. It’s worth noting that both Labour and Conservative PR teams hired former Obama staffers for this event, and the party that has gained the most is the one that didn’t. Brown will probably plod to a few more years in government in some capacity, and Cameron will be terminated by whoever manufactured him to win this election.
I look forward to Round 2 with a whetted appetite. Tally ho. Images jacked from b3ta.com
So, it’s been a week, the volcano business took the edge off the coverage, bet Cameron thanks his gods for that, let us reflect and refract.
Brown
It went as good or as bad as your perceived expectation levels required. It was neither. He didn’t really suffer that much for being in charge of the party in power for oh so long, and he seems like the man suited to the job, but his policies and his party are not. Amazingly, I don’t hate Gordon Brown the man, I do, however, hate Gordon Brown the politician. He’s trying to get in bed with the Lezza Fem-Doms, in a car crash attempt to stay in power. It’s not quite kamikaze, but if the rise of the Cleggerton continues after the next debate, or dare I say it, accelerates, then he’s going to have to go from suck to blow. If the only alternative to the Tories getting in is a power sharing deal between the Lib Dems and Labour, then so be it. Hell, some good might even come of it. Just please get rid of Mandelson. Seems to have been quiet on the post debate rhetoric, apart from wheeling out a few choice ball sacks to say how they ‘won’ this debate. Like fuck.
Cameron
Was generally made to look foolish. A pile of shit with a side of bacon. Did not properly take on the questions from the audience, and didn’t address the attacks from Clegg and Brown. He had his moments, mostly on Tory bread and butter like crime and defence. Come to think of it, those were the only subjects where he made the remotest amount of sense. The rest of the time it was Daily Mail, Statistics and I’m not that posh, just look at my butt head wife, she’s far richer that I am, and that’s why I want to cut inheritance tax, for my own personal goddamn benefit.
A lot has been said of the similarities between Labour and Conservative policies but one thing this debate has thankfully highlighted is just how self serving, how out of touch, how down right untrustworthy Cameron and his party of fuck ends are. I watched some other retard festival on ITV about the debates and they asked the audience who was going to vote Conservative. This horse faced fucking moose put her bint driven bell-shaking arm up in air and just drivelled on about how much of a cunt you have to be to vote for the King of Cunts, David Cameron, esquire. She sounded so rich, you could feel the money oozing out of every pore of her wide-gauge starfish, you knew she had been indoctrinated from birth by Daddy to be this delusional. It exemplified the kind of toss pieces you would be voting into power, the kind of people you would be aligning yourself with, if you decided to tick that box. Don’t. Just don’t. Think of the puppies.
Glecc
There is a reason for using this particular image, and that is, as you may have noticed, there has been a bit of a kerfuffle surrounding Clegg. Some have whispered the name of the Great Leader Who Turned Out To Be Average, Barack Obama, and Nicolarse Clegg, in the same sentence. Now, there are several problems with this. Firstly, Obama was preaching to Americans, a nation of dogs. Simple, excitable, and willing to attempt to devour anything. Secondly, America is a country that kind of a bit voted for George Bush twice. Twice. Twice. Once was not enough for them. Oh no. Thirdly, he came from literally no-where to what is undoubtedly the biggest job in the known universe, apart from, obviously, Operah’s clunge attendant.
A depressingly large number of people will be referring to Clegg as ‘that bloke from the gay party’, but after being entirely ignored for the past forever by the media, to now have a platform with an average 5 million people watching, 10 at its peak, and get across the most sensible policies, generally, was nothing short of a break through, a decisive victory. I doubt, however, it will lead to the overall victory of the Lib Dems, not least because of the system used to determine the party in power, but also because right now the focus is going to be most intensely on Clegg. He’s faltered just a bit this week, and needs to, I hate to say it, up his game, you can tell he’s not used to this level of scrutiny, and the others will come out attacking in Round 2. But if he does excel at the next debate, and manage the attention properly, maybe, just maybe, we can dream. This is being typed with a large cauldron of salt.
So who can win Round 2? Will there be more viewers? Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
I don’t foresee much of a pattern change, which is good, but Clegg can nail it from here, if he’s a little more lively, more passionate, he needs to appear tougher, attack, and show a real edge. Needs to emphasise the third way, the real change without saying the word change, that’s the challenge. It’s worth noting that both Labour and Conservative PR teams hired former Obama staffers for this event, and the party that has gained the most is the one that didn’t. Brown will probably plod to a few more years in government in some capacity, and Cameron will be terminated by whoever manufactured him to win this election.
I look forward to Round 2 with a whetted appetite. Tally ho. Images jacked from b3ta.com
The Debates, Q5, Q6, Q7, Q8
It's not as long as the title suggests.
Questions
Question 5: Budget deficits
Cameron
Glad the question has been 'arsed'. Tax on jobs is a killer. My god, that must be one hell of a tax. The 'business leaders' agree, like the people who run Sainsburys, M&S and Mothercare. Hrm. I'm getting some kind image, an image of, yes that's it, these are the shops that Cameron's wife shops in, he must be whoring her out for the express purpose of furthering his own agenda. Crikey.
Cleggeggegg
Only party to specify their plan for the deficit in their manifesto. Remove tax credits for those that effectively don't need them. Cap public sector pay increases, and my favourite, the scrapping of the plan to renew the Trident nuclear system, which will cost a staggering £100 billion.
Brown
Doing his strange mouth breathing thing. Straight on the attack saying the Tories will remove £6 billion from the economy and its going fuck things up big time. We don't want to a double dip recession. I would quite like a double dip actually.
Arguments
Cameron
Wants to take on the argument directly, for the first time this evening. Wants to cut waste, he should get rid of all the old duffers rotting away in the House of Lords. Two hideous waste stories, another Daily Mail rant, civil servants have spent a billion on food, wine, and 'other things', presumably taking cash out, setting it on fire and throwing it on the plebs from the top of another, larger pile of cash, in the shape of a comedy pair of cans. Number two is the 'many' managers who are paid 'over' £250K have received a ‘7%’ pay increase. No doubt they will vote Tory given their plan to decrease tax for the highest earners.
Clegg
Makes a good point about only a limited amount savings can be made from waste, but it isn't that big a problem. But it does make a good headline. Wants to be clear, open, straight. It's a riddle, he wants to be a window. Now we've got a black hole in our finances, some kind of massive public sector anus that's sucking all the money out of the country. Diabolical. Wants to tax banks, populist but sound. Wants to square circles, should speak to Cameron, I'm sure he has a square arsehole and shits in cubes.
Brown-and-out
Wants us to think how difficult it is to save 50, 000, 100, 000, 200, 000 and then 6, 000 million. Err, 6, 000 million what? Novelty dildos? Trying to praise himself about keeping the economy going but I've news for you, you fat bastard, you broke it in the first place by placing the City at the centre of the economy, without it contributing that much, and then shit in a shoe, the markets have crashed. Does not want to take risks with the economy. Why have you handed it to a man with comedy eyebrows?
Clegg
Back to the giant, swirling anus that is at the centre of the ruined arse of our public finances. Apparently it's obvious. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. Wants to get all the financial big wigs together for a massive love in so we can find out exactly how much money this country is haemorrhaging.
Cameron
Wants the country to come together, no doubt all over him, the sick bastard.
Clegg
Wants to stop the grotesque spectacle. I completely agree. Wants to rebalance the tax system, amen.
Brown
Again saying that the Tories will take out 6 billion from the economy.
Cameron
Effectively says 'Oh well everyone is tightening their belts, we're just following suit.' Except they're not tightening any belts, apart from the ones around the necks of all public sector employees. Gets petulant, tells a tale of how Brown's going to waste money and increase taxes.
Brown
We've got to get this economy moving forward, like a fat man rolling down a hill, always increasing in speed and fatness, but we're out of hill, Gordon, so what will the fat man do now?
Cameron
Reckons increasing National Insurance is the real risk to the economy. It may be a risk, but it's less of a risk than what the Tories want to do, that's for sure.
Brown
We need growth, must keep getting fatter, must keep eating, always moving forward, endlessly twirling, permanently shitting.
Clegg
There’s going to be Big Things that we can't afford to do over the next few years, like the planned Amusingly Disfigured Animals Theme Park, and the Free Ice Cream For All Programme (FICFAP). Thinks Trident is a gash idea with a gash name. Gash.
Cameron
Still beating the drum about wasting money, it's meaningless and people don't look impressed. "How is a 7% pay rise for NHS managers essential for economic growth?" The only valid point he's made in this question, just a shame he said it by way of Daily Mail arm waving.
End of Question 5
Conclusion
It's a biggie, and a toughie, but not an impossibleie. Clegg has the best ideas, Brown has one idea, Cameron has nothing, and continues to get hammered from both ends, just how he likes it, the cunt.
Questions
Question 6: The Armed Forces
Some bloke who reminds me of Mike from Spaced, mainly because he's in the TA yet has that manor of speaking like he's been in the army since birth, wants to know how things are going to improve for Our Boys.
Clegg
Under-equipped, under-paid, under-give a shit. Starts bashing his trident, no, sorry, Trident bashing, and he’s bloody well right. We've got 8,000 bureaucrats at the MoD, why are we employing people with a title of 'bureaucrat'? Money saved on Trident will go to the Armed Forces.
Brown
Proudly states that we were under funding the war in Iraqistan 3 or 4 years ago and this year we will spend £5000 million pounds. That's a fucking lot of money to be spending on fighting people who ride round on cheap Chinese rip offs of Honda CG125s, with weapons from Soviet Russia that only understands being used in Russian, in a properly backwards country, with no education, healthcare, economy or semblance of government infrastructure to speak of. Would this money not be better spent on fixing the countries societal woes rather than blowing people up?
Cameron
Starts trying to crawl up the questioners arse by saying just what a spiffing job all those chaps are doing on the western front, we'll get those Jerrys. Then has a quick jab at Brown for the plan to cut funding for the TA, which is fair enough.
Arguments
Clegg
Should be providing the right equipment for the job. I didn't know we where sending Our Boys out to Iraqistan with feather dusters and an impressive array of coloured paper clips.
Brown
Has met every urgent operational requirement. The only thing Gordon knows about urgency is the Urgent Arsehole Syndrome he suffers from. That's why he always breathes through his mouth. Likes the flavour. No wonder Cameron's been pursing his (thin) lips throughout the debate.
We're in Afghanistan because there is a 'terror' threat. I didn't know we need £5000 million to fight a noun. Surely a pencil would do. Just cross it out. Then we can dispense of this War on Terror® business and start on The Shushing of The Noise.
Cameron
“Difficult times lie ahead”. Mmm, sure they do. Need to have a fundamental defence review. Yep, bit of war always puts the ‘fun’ in ‘fundamental’. Unfortunately, he’s completely right for the first time tonight. Only took him 50 minutes. It’s really not good enough, Jenkins.
Brown
The Taliban has changed its tactics, wails Brown, in 2006, that’s the problem. So it’s taken 4 years to recognise this, for a single enemy in a single region. How long would it take to over haul the whole bloody Army, Navy, and RAF stratagems? The Taliban couldn’t win a one on one confrontation, so they took to guerilla warfare, explosive devices. It’s not particularly challenging to imagine, ‘Fuck me, a tank’, ‘Fuck this, use mines instead’, ‘Mecca bingo’.
Clegg
Agrees, and has been calling for a review of the armed forces for years, goes back to Trident, the more I read that word, the more I think it’s an oral hygiene product. Is it really that important?
Cameron
Answers directly for the second time during the debate. Have a single clap. Most important duty of the PM is the defence of the country. Clegg can easily be made to look weak on this. Worried about Iran and China. I don’t think nukes are the answer. Thinks our ability to fire them is independent. It’s not, we are effectively a strategic launch pad for the Americans. We cannot fire those things without the permission of the fattest nation on the planet, and that’s just sad. Calls it the ‘ultimate protection’, making it sound like a concrete condom, but forgets that ultimate means last, and evokes the end of the world. Now, I don’t believe that nuclear war would actually end the world, just fuck it up a bit, but surely the only way to conclusively put an end to the nuclear threat is for all countries to disarm, to stop any programmes for any type of incomprehensively powerful weapon, and to eradicate the knowledge and the means to create them in the future.
Brown
Iran, North Korea, the penguins, they’ll all have nuclear weapons and we need nuclear weapons to make sure that they’ll reduce the number of the nuclear weapons that they may have in the future maybe possibly. Doesn’t favour Nick’s decision to ‘unilaterally’ abandon ‘our’ nuclear deterrent (it’s not weapon, it’s more of a barbed wire fence, expect it’ll blow your balls off if you cross it, not merely leave them dangling in the wind on top of a 10 foot fence). More FUD, more scaremongering.
Clegg
We cannot justify or afford the ‘nuclear war system’. Here here.
Cameron
Went to Afghanistan every year, for several years, several meaning more than two, so he went 3 times, and every time was told we don’t have enough helicopters, so he decided to make chopper noises and spin around on the spot, flailing his arms.
Brown
Makes excuses about helicopters. Thrilling.
Conclusion
Clegg wins on the basis of the most logical arguments. If the shit hit the fan you’d want Brown hovering over the big red button.
Questions
Question 7: NHS
I just cannot be fucking bothered.
Question 8: Old People
Err.
Clegg
No-one cares about old people, stop pretending
Brown
No-one cares about old people, stop pretending
Cameron
Only cares about old people with mountains of cash.
End of questions 8
Conclusion
I get the impression that they didn't really care. I can understand though, old people just clog up the supermarket, shuffling round, getting confused at the Wireless Picture Box and wetting themselves at frequent intervals, draining money and resources from the NHS and having a cottage industry in the generation and distribution of nasty, nasty knitted jumpers, and strange odours.
Questions
Question 5: Budget deficits
Cameron
Glad the question has been 'arsed'. Tax on jobs is a killer. My god, that must be one hell of a tax. The 'business leaders' agree, like the people who run Sainsburys, M&S and Mothercare. Hrm. I'm getting some kind image, an image of, yes that's it, these are the shops that Cameron's wife shops in, he must be whoring her out for the express purpose of furthering his own agenda. Crikey.
Cleggeggegg
Only party to specify their plan for the deficit in their manifesto. Remove tax credits for those that effectively don't need them. Cap public sector pay increases, and my favourite, the scrapping of the plan to renew the Trident nuclear system, which will cost a staggering £100 billion.
Brown
Doing his strange mouth breathing thing. Straight on the attack saying the Tories will remove £6 billion from the economy and its going fuck things up big time. We don't want to a double dip recession. I would quite like a double dip actually.
Arguments
Cameron
Wants to take on the argument directly, for the first time this evening. Wants to cut waste, he should get rid of all the old duffers rotting away in the House of Lords. Two hideous waste stories, another Daily Mail rant, civil servants have spent a billion on food, wine, and 'other things', presumably taking cash out, setting it on fire and throwing it on the plebs from the top of another, larger pile of cash, in the shape of a comedy pair of cans. Number two is the 'many' managers who are paid 'over' £250K have received a ‘7%’ pay increase. No doubt they will vote Tory given their plan to decrease tax for the highest earners.
Clegg
Makes a good point about only a limited amount savings can be made from waste, but it isn't that big a problem. But it does make a good headline. Wants to be clear, open, straight. It's a riddle, he wants to be a window. Now we've got a black hole in our finances, some kind of massive public sector anus that's sucking all the money out of the country. Diabolical. Wants to tax banks, populist but sound. Wants to square circles, should speak to Cameron, I'm sure he has a square arsehole and shits in cubes.
Brown-and-out
Wants us to think how difficult it is to save 50, 000, 100, 000, 200, 000 and then 6, 000 million. Err, 6, 000 million what? Novelty dildos? Trying to praise himself about keeping the economy going but I've news for you, you fat bastard, you broke it in the first place by placing the City at the centre of the economy, without it contributing that much, and then shit in a shoe, the markets have crashed. Does not want to take risks with the economy. Why have you handed it to a man with comedy eyebrows?
Clegg
Back to the giant, swirling anus that is at the centre of the ruined arse of our public finances. Apparently it's obvious. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. Wants to get all the financial big wigs together for a massive love in so we can find out exactly how much money this country is haemorrhaging.
Cameron
Wants the country to come together, no doubt all over him, the sick bastard.
Clegg
Wants to stop the grotesque spectacle. I completely agree. Wants to rebalance the tax system, amen.
Brown
Again saying that the Tories will take out 6 billion from the economy.
Cameron
Effectively says 'Oh well everyone is tightening their belts, we're just following suit.' Except they're not tightening any belts, apart from the ones around the necks of all public sector employees. Gets petulant, tells a tale of how Brown's going to waste money and increase taxes.
Brown
We've got to get this economy moving forward, like a fat man rolling down a hill, always increasing in speed and fatness, but we're out of hill, Gordon, so what will the fat man do now?
Cameron
Reckons increasing National Insurance is the real risk to the economy. It may be a risk, but it's less of a risk than what the Tories want to do, that's for sure.
Brown
We need growth, must keep getting fatter, must keep eating, always moving forward, endlessly twirling, permanently shitting.
Clegg
There’s going to be Big Things that we can't afford to do over the next few years, like the planned Amusingly Disfigured Animals Theme Park, and the Free Ice Cream For All Programme (FICFAP). Thinks Trident is a gash idea with a gash name. Gash.
Cameron
Still beating the drum about wasting money, it's meaningless and people don't look impressed. "How is a 7% pay rise for NHS managers essential for economic growth?" The only valid point he's made in this question, just a shame he said it by way of Daily Mail arm waving.
End of Question 5
Conclusion
It's a biggie, and a toughie, but not an impossibleie. Clegg has the best ideas, Brown has one idea, Cameron has nothing, and continues to get hammered from both ends, just how he likes it, the cunt.
Questions
Question 6: The Armed Forces
Some bloke who reminds me of Mike from Spaced, mainly because he's in the TA yet has that manor of speaking like he's been in the army since birth, wants to know how things are going to improve for Our Boys.
Clegg
Under-equipped, under-paid, under-give a shit. Starts bashing his trident, no, sorry, Trident bashing, and he’s bloody well right. We've got 8,000 bureaucrats at the MoD, why are we employing people with a title of 'bureaucrat'? Money saved on Trident will go to the Armed Forces.
Brown
Proudly states that we were under funding the war in Iraqistan 3 or 4 years ago and this year we will spend £5000 million pounds. That's a fucking lot of money to be spending on fighting people who ride round on cheap Chinese rip offs of Honda CG125s, with weapons from Soviet Russia that only understands being used in Russian, in a properly backwards country, with no education, healthcare, economy or semblance of government infrastructure to speak of. Would this money not be better spent on fixing the countries societal woes rather than blowing people up?
Cameron
Starts trying to crawl up the questioners arse by saying just what a spiffing job all those chaps are doing on the western front, we'll get those Jerrys. Then has a quick jab at Brown for the plan to cut funding for the TA, which is fair enough.
Arguments
Clegg
Should be providing the right equipment for the job. I didn't know we where sending Our Boys out to Iraqistan with feather dusters and an impressive array of coloured paper clips.
Brown
Has met every urgent operational requirement. The only thing Gordon knows about urgency is the Urgent Arsehole Syndrome he suffers from. That's why he always breathes through his mouth. Likes the flavour. No wonder Cameron's been pursing his (thin) lips throughout the debate.
We're in Afghanistan because there is a 'terror' threat. I didn't know we need £5000 million to fight a noun. Surely a pencil would do. Just cross it out. Then we can dispense of this War on Terror® business and start on The Shushing of The Noise.
Cameron
“Difficult times lie ahead”. Mmm, sure they do. Need to have a fundamental defence review. Yep, bit of war always puts the ‘fun’ in ‘fundamental’. Unfortunately, he’s completely right for the first time tonight. Only took him 50 minutes. It’s really not good enough, Jenkins.
Brown
The Taliban has changed its tactics, wails Brown, in 2006, that’s the problem. So it’s taken 4 years to recognise this, for a single enemy in a single region. How long would it take to over haul the whole bloody Army, Navy, and RAF stratagems? The Taliban couldn’t win a one on one confrontation, so they took to guerilla warfare, explosive devices. It’s not particularly challenging to imagine, ‘Fuck me, a tank’, ‘Fuck this, use mines instead’, ‘Mecca bingo’.
Clegg
Agrees, and has been calling for a review of the armed forces for years, goes back to Trident, the more I read that word, the more I think it’s an oral hygiene product. Is it really that important?
Cameron
Answers directly for the second time during the debate. Have a single clap. Most important duty of the PM is the defence of the country. Clegg can easily be made to look weak on this. Worried about Iran and China. I don’t think nukes are the answer. Thinks our ability to fire them is independent. It’s not, we are effectively a strategic launch pad for the Americans. We cannot fire those things without the permission of the fattest nation on the planet, and that’s just sad. Calls it the ‘ultimate protection’, making it sound like a concrete condom, but forgets that ultimate means last, and evokes the end of the world. Now, I don’t believe that nuclear war would actually end the world, just fuck it up a bit, but surely the only way to conclusively put an end to the nuclear threat is for all countries to disarm, to stop any programmes for any type of incomprehensively powerful weapon, and to eradicate the knowledge and the means to create them in the future.
Brown
Iran, North Korea, the penguins, they’ll all have nuclear weapons and we need nuclear weapons to make sure that they’ll reduce the number of the nuclear weapons that they may have in the future maybe possibly. Doesn’t favour Nick’s decision to ‘unilaterally’ abandon ‘our’ nuclear deterrent (it’s not weapon, it’s more of a barbed wire fence, expect it’ll blow your balls off if you cross it, not merely leave them dangling in the wind on top of a 10 foot fence). More FUD, more scaremongering.
Clegg
We cannot justify or afford the ‘nuclear war system’. Here here.
Cameron
Went to Afghanistan every year, for several years, several meaning more than two, so he went 3 times, and every time was told we don’t have enough helicopters, so he decided to make chopper noises and spin around on the spot, flailing his arms.
Brown
Makes excuses about helicopters. Thrilling.
Conclusion
Clegg wins on the basis of the most logical arguments. If the shit hit the fan you’d want Brown hovering over the big red button.
Questions
Question 7: NHS
I just cannot be fucking bothered.
Question 8: Old People
Err.
Clegg
No-one cares about old people, stop pretending
Brown
No-one cares about old people, stop pretending
Cameron
Only cares about old people with mountains of cash.
End of questions 8
Conclusion
I get the impression that they didn't really care. I can understand though, old people just clog up the supermarket, shuffling round, getting confused at the Wireless Picture Box and wetting themselves at frequent intervals, draining money and resources from the NHS and having a cottage industry in the generation and distribution of nasty, nasty knitted jumpers, and strange odours.
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
The Debates, Q3 & Q4
I've decided to condense the next couple of questions on the basis of the next debate being on Thursday. I want to focus on more pressing issues in the next post.
Questions
Question 3: Expenses
An inevitable question, given the amount of rage the public has expressed by proxy of the media, who obviously convey the public’s expressions in a reasoned, unbiased manner, without a hint of hyperbole.
Clegg
Doesn't think any politician deserves your trust. I was about to ask David 'Baby eater' Cameron round to look after the kids, thanks for the heads up, Cleggertron. Some MPs rode the expenses system for all she was worth, like a triple cunted hooker when the sailors were docked. But not any Lib Dems, oh no, because they're all closet queers.
Brown
Shocked and sickened by what he saw, that's why they've removed all reflective surfaces from inside Number 10. Attacks Cameron, cozying up to Clegg over reform of the House of Lords, going to shortly get shot down over that one.
Cameron
Not surprised by people talking in pubs, not that's he's ever been in a pub, except for that one at the Conference of the Landed Gentry, but that doesn’t count. Horrendous episode, how terrible, spit spot, what ho, chocks away. Moves into cutting costs of politics, wants to cut quangos. I love quangos, what’s the beef with quangos? You always get a good deal there.
Arguments
Clegg
Hears words, sounds great, I didn’t know he was the horse whisperer, explains why he’s a Lib Dem. Sticks the boot in about Labour and the Tories sitting on their trotters over proposals to reform party funding.
Brown
“We supported it.” A total fabrication.
Clegg
Lays the smacketh down on both of them for blocking party funding reform. Other two are shuffling their feet like they’ve been caught sheep shagging, again.
Brown
Agrees with Nick. Should really say, ‘I wholeheartedly disagree with Nick, and I’m sorry for pretending to do so earlier’. Gaudy, please stop agreeing with Nick, it’s wierding me out. Then attacks Cameron about blocking the removal of hereditary peers from the House of Lords but also agrees with him on cutting the HoL, not by 10%, but by 50%. Looks like Brown cannot decide who he’s trying to piggyback in desperation to stay in power.
Cameron
Reminds Brown that he’s had a long, long time to do something about it. Evades the question, again, not impressed, shithead. Goes on the attack about party funding.
Clegg
Parries Cameron by reiterating the need to remove hereditary peers.
Brown
Really getting his peado hat on, trying to align himself with Clegg over HoL reform.
Clegg
Reminds Brown, again, that he has done nothing for 13 years.
Brown
Says well, now actually I am going to do something.
Cameron
Gosh, wants to stop all this silly nonsense, heavens above, tsk.
Stewart
Asks if everyone’s agreed on wanting to reform the HoL
Brown
Promises to do it next year, he’s just been so busy for the past 13.
Clegg
Dismayed by this. Put something to this effect forward already, Labour voted against it, Conservatives didn’t turn up, no doubt getting their wigs re-woven.
Brown
In favour of it, obviously had a change of mind since 10 million people are watching.
Clegg
Wants some action. This not the place or the time, Nick.
Conclusion
Clegg comes through this one looking like Little Miss Told You So, but given the apparent fury around the subject, it will propel him in some people’s estimations. Browns main problem was the fact that he blocked reform for the HoL and now says that actually he’s 100% behind it, I just can’t believe he’s thinks it’s all OK now he said 15 times he agrees with Clegg, after disagreeing with him when it came to the crunch. Cameron is totally the wrong person to be trying to answer this question, his party was the worst offender in the expenses debacle and is the least progressive with regards to HoL reform, so once again comes hobbling over the line, reeking of failure and pheasant shit.
Questions
Question 4: Education
An absolutely hilarious looking Jew boy, complete with colourful skull cap, glasses, tank top and a titanic case of the ugly, asks what the leaders will do to improve education.
Brown
Wants to continue the alleged trend of improving education, as far I can see it’s gone so far south it’s currently in Swaziland. Nursery education goes from 3 to 18, apparently, that explains a lot. Wants to work with us to do so. Only pending total protonic reversal.
Cameron
Likes Jews, the good little money spinners that they are. Wants to excite people about education, I’m not sure it’s appropriate, Mr Cameron. Thinks it’s a bad thing to send 4000 pages of ‘information’ to schools each year, but schools are effectively information dispensaries for the peasants, so he doesn’t understand what he’s on about. Some of us didn’t go bear hunting during P.E. Now he’s back beefing the quangos again, damn it you fucking axe wound, leave the quangos alone. Proudly states that he has a child at a ‘state’ school, this ‘state’ school being one that only let’s in rich kids of massive tossers that by pure coincidence end up at… Eton Et al.
Gleff, sorry, Clegg
Hoop jumping is the problem with the education system, so you’re all wrong, you bunch of shits, now piss off. Also uses the 4000 pages of information line, that one’s been smoked mate, sorry, your cunt friend got there first. Wants to ban micromanagement, stop employing tiny people then.
Arguments
Brown
Wants every school to be a good school. What he means is, he wants every school to be privatised so he can wade around in money. He states this is his plan, by saying the reason schools are getting better is because he’s let them be ‘taken over’ by ‘federations’ and ‘academies’. He’s trying to polish that turd so hard I see smoke coming out of his arse.
Cameron
Get his Daily Mail safety blanket out, 17,000 teachers being attacked by students a year, although an attack could be throwing peanuts at the teacher, which every man worth his salt should have done at least once. I just don’t believe that’s the case, or if it is, it’s down to some heavy petting of those statistics. A child once produced a knife in school, could it of been when they were making a happy cake? Maybe? Makes some noise about head teachers being overruled by appeals panels. I left my botherment in this here can of give a shit. Got it ‘topsy-turvy’. Who the fuck even says that, you shower of shit?
Clegg
Breaks the rules by asking Jew-boy something. Oh you maverick, you. Need smaller class sizes, a line which every politician in opposition has used since the beginning of time, but they do have a plan, and it’s called the final solution.
Cameron
More quangos, this is getting old, most people don’t know what quango even means and even if they do, it’s like saying you’re going to cut bureaucracy. That’s what government is about, that’s what it does, it’s impossible to have an efficient government because the government is attending the needs of every person in the god damn country. Empty rhetoric. Void, blank, absent, hollow, non-existent. Lays into the department of Children etc, saying how they have a contemplation suite. He’s obviously not met ‘children’ people, you know, the empty headed, happy go lucky fairy cake factories that occupy middle Britain, the Nigella Corps, the Chelsea set, his fucking voters, the arse bag.
Brown
Looks like he was a scrotum and then received a face lift. Would explain the smile. And the demeanour. And the smell. Oh god, the smell. Trying to get on Capt’n Cunt Face Cameron’s case about cutting education spending, and infers the same will happen to the NHS and the police if the Tories get in.
Cameron
Busts out the planned Labour National Insurance rise for next year, like it’s news. Been rumbling on for a while, that one. Once again, doesn’t take the question head on.
Brown
Accuses Cameron of planning to take a billion out of education spending.
Cameron
Not true
Brown
Is
Cameron
Isn’t
Brown
Is
*girly fight ensues*
Clegg
Re-focuses the noise back onto the question in hand, back to empowering teachers and smaller class sizes, but will it happen?
Brown
Wants to privatise the schools, go Brown. Wants the best discipline, go speak to Max Mosley. Tries to manoeuvre the debate back to spending.
Clegg
States that it’s all in the manifesto, Brown can be seen quickly flicking through it, until he realises he’s bought a book with him about Living with Anal Leakage.
Conclusion
Anyone with a few gratings of savvy should have picked up on Cameron’s general evasion on the question of education spending, and that’s about the only thing of note. It was another chance for them to stand out, to draw some battle lines and fire a few pot shots but no one really took control. Clegg had some good points about smaller class sizes and Brown of course has Labour’s record on his side for once, but didn’t fully capitalise on it. Cameron’s Daily Mail-ing was especially galling, Jew-boy asked how they are going to improve education, not are you going to cut spending or tell us the most nightmarish school related story you know, for fucks sake.
Join us tomorrow for the final round, where we’ll be covering the budget deficit, nukes, NHS and ignoring old people, plus a bonus round up, in a super-clunge of a post.
Questions
Question 3: Expenses
An inevitable question, given the amount of rage the public has expressed by proxy of the media, who obviously convey the public’s expressions in a reasoned, unbiased manner, without a hint of hyperbole.
Clegg
Doesn't think any politician deserves your trust. I was about to ask David 'Baby eater' Cameron round to look after the kids, thanks for the heads up, Cleggertron. Some MPs rode the expenses system for all she was worth, like a triple cunted hooker when the sailors were docked. But not any Lib Dems, oh no, because they're all closet queers.
Brown
Shocked and sickened by what he saw, that's why they've removed all reflective surfaces from inside Number 10. Attacks Cameron, cozying up to Clegg over reform of the House of Lords, going to shortly get shot down over that one.
Cameron
Not surprised by people talking in pubs, not that's he's ever been in a pub, except for that one at the Conference of the Landed Gentry, but that doesn’t count. Horrendous episode, how terrible, spit spot, what ho, chocks away. Moves into cutting costs of politics, wants to cut quangos. I love quangos, what’s the beef with quangos? You always get a good deal there.
Arguments
Clegg
Hears words, sounds great, I didn’t know he was the horse whisperer, explains why he’s a Lib Dem. Sticks the boot in about Labour and the Tories sitting on their trotters over proposals to reform party funding.
Brown
“We supported it.” A total fabrication.
Clegg
Lays the smacketh down on both of them for blocking party funding reform. Other two are shuffling their feet like they’ve been caught sheep shagging, again.
Brown
Agrees with Nick. Should really say, ‘I wholeheartedly disagree with Nick, and I’m sorry for pretending to do so earlier’. Gaudy, please stop agreeing with Nick, it’s wierding me out. Then attacks Cameron about blocking the removal of hereditary peers from the House of Lords but also agrees with him on cutting the HoL, not by 10%, but by 50%. Looks like Brown cannot decide who he’s trying to piggyback in desperation to stay in power.
Cameron
Reminds Brown that he’s had a long, long time to do something about it. Evades the question, again, not impressed, shithead. Goes on the attack about party funding.
Clegg
Parries Cameron by reiterating the need to remove hereditary peers.
Brown
Really getting his peado hat on, trying to align himself with Clegg over HoL reform.
Clegg
Reminds Brown, again, that he has done nothing for 13 years.
Brown
Says well, now actually I am going to do something.
Cameron
Gosh, wants to stop all this silly nonsense, heavens above, tsk.
Stewart
Asks if everyone’s agreed on wanting to reform the HoL
Brown
Promises to do it next year, he’s just been so busy for the past 13.
Clegg
Dismayed by this. Put something to this effect forward already, Labour voted against it, Conservatives didn’t turn up, no doubt getting their wigs re-woven.
Brown
In favour of it, obviously had a change of mind since 10 million people are watching.
Clegg
Wants some action. This not the place or the time, Nick.
Conclusion
Clegg comes through this one looking like Little Miss Told You So, but given the apparent fury around the subject, it will propel him in some people’s estimations. Browns main problem was the fact that he blocked reform for the HoL and now says that actually he’s 100% behind it, I just can’t believe he’s thinks it’s all OK now he said 15 times he agrees with Clegg, after disagreeing with him when it came to the crunch. Cameron is totally the wrong person to be trying to answer this question, his party was the worst offender in the expenses debacle and is the least progressive with regards to HoL reform, so once again comes hobbling over the line, reeking of failure and pheasant shit.
Questions
Question 4: Education
An absolutely hilarious looking Jew boy, complete with colourful skull cap, glasses, tank top and a titanic case of the ugly, asks what the leaders will do to improve education.
Brown
Wants to continue the alleged trend of improving education, as far I can see it’s gone so far south it’s currently in Swaziland. Nursery education goes from 3 to 18, apparently, that explains a lot. Wants to work with us to do so. Only pending total protonic reversal.
Cameron
Likes Jews, the good little money spinners that they are. Wants to excite people about education, I’m not sure it’s appropriate, Mr Cameron. Thinks it’s a bad thing to send 4000 pages of ‘information’ to schools each year, but schools are effectively information dispensaries for the peasants, so he doesn’t understand what he’s on about. Some of us didn’t go bear hunting during P.E. Now he’s back beefing the quangos again, damn it you fucking axe wound, leave the quangos alone. Proudly states that he has a child at a ‘state’ school, this ‘state’ school being one that only let’s in rich kids of massive tossers that by pure coincidence end up at… Eton Et al.
Gleff, sorry, Clegg
Hoop jumping is the problem with the education system, so you’re all wrong, you bunch of shits, now piss off. Also uses the 4000 pages of information line, that one’s been smoked mate, sorry, your cunt friend got there first. Wants to ban micromanagement, stop employing tiny people then.
Arguments
Brown
Wants every school to be a good school. What he means is, he wants every school to be privatised so he can wade around in money. He states this is his plan, by saying the reason schools are getting better is because he’s let them be ‘taken over’ by ‘federations’ and ‘academies’. He’s trying to polish that turd so hard I see smoke coming out of his arse.
Cameron
Get his Daily Mail safety blanket out, 17,000 teachers being attacked by students a year, although an attack could be throwing peanuts at the teacher, which every man worth his salt should have done at least once. I just don’t believe that’s the case, or if it is, it’s down to some heavy petting of those statistics. A child once produced a knife in school, could it of been when they were making a happy cake? Maybe? Makes some noise about head teachers being overruled by appeals panels. I left my botherment in this here can of give a shit. Got it ‘topsy-turvy’. Who the fuck even says that, you shower of shit?
Clegg
Breaks the rules by asking Jew-boy something. Oh you maverick, you. Need smaller class sizes, a line which every politician in opposition has used since the beginning of time, but they do have a plan, and it’s called the final solution.
Cameron
More quangos, this is getting old, most people don’t know what quango even means and even if they do, it’s like saying you’re going to cut bureaucracy. That’s what government is about, that’s what it does, it’s impossible to have an efficient government because the government is attending the needs of every person in the god damn country. Empty rhetoric. Void, blank, absent, hollow, non-existent. Lays into the department of Children etc, saying how they have a contemplation suite. He’s obviously not met ‘children’ people, you know, the empty headed, happy go lucky fairy cake factories that occupy middle Britain, the Nigella Corps, the Chelsea set, his fucking voters, the arse bag.
Brown
Looks like he was a scrotum and then received a face lift. Would explain the smile. And the demeanour. And the smell. Oh god, the smell. Trying to get on Capt’n Cunt Face Cameron’s case about cutting education spending, and infers the same will happen to the NHS and the police if the Tories get in.
Cameron
Busts out the planned Labour National Insurance rise for next year, like it’s news. Been rumbling on for a while, that one. Once again, doesn’t take the question head on.
Brown
Accuses Cameron of planning to take a billion out of education spending.
Cameron
Not true
Brown
Is
Cameron
Isn’t
Brown
Is
*girly fight ensues*
Clegg
Re-focuses the noise back onto the question in hand, back to empowering teachers and smaller class sizes, but will it happen?
Brown
Wants to privatise the schools, go Brown. Wants the best discipline, go speak to Max Mosley. Tries to manoeuvre the debate back to spending.
Clegg
States that it’s all in the manifesto, Brown can be seen quickly flicking through it, until he realises he’s bought a book with him about Living with Anal Leakage.
Conclusion
Anyone with a few gratings of savvy should have picked up on Cameron’s general evasion on the question of education spending, and that’s about the only thing of note. It was another chance for them to stand out, to draw some battle lines and fire a few pot shots but no one really took control. Clegg had some good points about smaller class sizes and Brown of course has Labour’s record on his side for once, but didn’t fully capitalise on it. Cameron’s Daily Mail-ing was especially galling, Jew-boy asked how they are going to improve education, not are you going to cut spending or tell us the most nightmarish school related story you know, for fucks sake.
Join us tomorrow for the final round, where we’ll be covering the budget deficit, nukes, NHS and ignoring old people, plus a bonus round up, in a super-clunge of a post.
Sunday, 18 April 2010
The Debates, Q2
Sticking with the bread and butter themes, we move onto crime.
Questions
Question 2: Crime
Burnley, being in The North, is a terrible, terrible place. They don't have rats there, because the rat’s standards of living are above that of Burnley's. A stupid woman with a stupid haircut who is somehow shocked at Burnley being the burglary capital of the UK or England or something, asks how she can be made to feel safe. Some kind of helmet, I imagine, and I don’t mean the throbbing kind.
Cameron
System not working ploply. Is this a smoke screen? Is he trying to seem common by mispronouncing one single word? Has this word been specially selected at a round table of the most evil people of all time, featuring Hitler, Blair, Susan and Frankie Boyle, Mr Burns, Thatcher and Your Mother? Burglars not getting long enough sentences. See above. Moves into a Daily Mail wet dream about a right bastard, who robbed, burned and killed in an evening’s orgy of theft, death and DFS, that could result in just 4 ½ years inside, with a very quick proviso of ‘could’, thereby discounting any relationship with reality. All froth, no beer. If you thought Labour were bad with Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt tactics, then just wait, just fucking wait, till this puppy stomping piss hole gets in. Wants to put people in prison for a long time if they cross someone’s threshold, and by threshold he means ring piece, and by long time he means hanging. By the plums. The plums.
Clegg
I just realised that Clegg is beady eyed. Such a shame. More police on streets needed, I think we need more police preventing crime. Starts laying into ID card system, all of his own accord, have a lollipop, you spacker. Young people are becoming the hardened criminals of tomorrow, so watch out for a lot of young men wandering around with a boner, knocking over grandma’s Diana commemorative plates whilst they steal the hat stand, because it’s the only thing a man can thieve with a lob on. That’s what Clegg has done to get crime down in Sheffield, but you’re buggered if you need somewhere to put your hat, or in Cameron’s case, your Top Hat. Most uncomfortable shopping experience ever, especially if you’re in a queue. Mind you, if Cameron gets in, be very careful, or you’ll go to prison for a long time, you goddamn threshold diddler you.
Brown
Now chooses to acknowledge the questioner, part of the new, family friendly, non-peodo Brown package. Crime is falling according to official figures, probably because it’s really pissed, or it can’t quite carry all the booty it’s just stolen. Parents need to accept responsibility for their cunty little children (correct), although Browns parents should’ve taken responsibility for his face, and quietly stuffed it in the toaster. Doing more of this shaky fist business, but in bigger swings, so he’s obviously mid or even post shit and is merely trying to negotiate the release of the remainder of the chocolate hostages. There’s always a clinger, isn’t there? We understand your frustration, Gordy. Wants people to be able to take out injunctions against the police, which is The Worst Idea Ever, seeing as they are already weighed down by 7 fucktons of paperwork and red tape as it is.
Arguments
Cameron
Most crime is coming from people addicted to drugs. Bullshit. I’m sure they have a part to play but I don’t believe that ‘most’ crime is caused by drug addicts. Maybe in Glasgow, but that always fucks up the statistics. The tone he uses to speak about drugs is like drugs are an alien species that should be sent back into space immediately, those crazy little green bastards. Of course, Cameron would never, ever even think about touching drugs, much like a Catholic priest and small boys. Wonder if he’s ever had a coffee.
Starts attacking in-prison treatment of drug addicts, but clearly doesn’t understand the matter, saying that people get put onto a substitute drug, without realising that people could easily go completely Bucky o’Hare if they didn't. Just does not understand the subject, and idiots who agree with him will think he's making a good point, but trust me on this, he's not. Then accuses the country of being mad. Faaaaaaaaaack orrrrrrrrrrff.
Moves onto an unconvincing anecdote about him talking to a criminal. I’m sure he probably just said Hello to the bin man and that was enough to make him feel like he was part of the Great Train Robbery. To this day, he winces at the sight of a Biffa truck, knowing that he spoke to someone who doesn’t have unicorn piss with their Torie-oes
Clegg
Old pointy eyes is back, talking about penises and conveyor belts, which is slightly worrying, if I ever see Clegg in Tescos, I’m gone. Now it’s onto Colleges of Crime, which can’t be a good idea can it? Comes out with a fact I’ll have to bust out at my next super brainy dinner party, “Do you know that young men going into prison now on short-term prison sentences now come out” Fuck a duck, stop the presses, hold the phone, in that order. When did this happen? Why wasn’t I informed? Has Labour really corrupted our Criminal Justice System to such an extent? This is insane. In-fucking-sane.
We are re-producing crime, and Clegg is closer to the money than he thinks. Well, we aren’t, but the criminal underclass is. Cut their balls off, that’ll stem the flow. Goes onto some floppy shit about crims apologising to victims. That’ll learn ‘em.
Brown
Starts about being young, I was sure Brown festered into existence. Moves onto community activities for young people, fair dinkum. We now have more police than ever before, although they’re all twelve and short and spiky haired. I’ve had shits like that, and believe me those logs I've dropped were far more intimidating, and didn’t have to fill in any paper work to stop me in my tracks. Not that I was committing any crimes at the time, maybe one against the environment, but no-one cares about that. Remember kids, shit before you steal. Then talks about one police force taking over another, under performing one, like they’ll be bought and sold on the stock market by the Big Swinging Dicks. I see a light bulb above Camerons head, Browns just given him a way to privatise another public sector service.
Clegg
Back to his Collages of Crime idea, I’m sure his PR person is flinging their own shit around in rage trying to get him to stop this drivel. 9/10 young men re-offend. At least they’re good at something, that is to say, getting caught. The re-offenders will stop when they realise they are really shit criminals. Waving his hands to his face, Clegg enjoys basking in the ambiance. I didn’t know he was a wafter. Ledge. Repeats his angle of young / petty becoming old / hardened criminals, sounds painstakingly rehearsed. He needs more meat on them bones, either a different take on the same point or a whole different point altogether.
Brown
Worked on some project with 75% success rate, well done Brown, no-one looks impressed. Thanks Cameron for the posters ‘about him’. I thank the Lord our Christ I missed those, I can’t even begin to imagine the sick shit those two must be writing about each other, and in public as well, do they have no shame? Dis. Gust. Ing. Looks at Cameron like he’s going to eat him and is rather pleased about it. Does his 'someone’s got a wire in my cheeks and is tugging away, I’m really smiling' smile thing. Lord Ashcroft was in on it as well, he must’ve been the Dungeon Master. Nice little passing of that parcel [Ashcroft] to Cameron.
Cameron
Brown’s got his goat, and Cameron’s going to beef it out. Increasing in volume and starts speaking like he’s trying to tell his mother off over making his bed time unicorn piss too hot. Gets cut off by Stewart, well done, that’s the biggest contribution he will ever make to society. Cameron looks like he’s about to stamp his feet. Brown and Cameron start bickering over public funding, namely the funding of the police.
I really want them to start fighting to the death with sledgehammers, and Clegg can sit in the corner, gently soiling himself whilst Abba’s Dancing Queen plays the whole sorry affair to it’s inevitable conclusion, which is of course everyone wondering why Clegg has shat himself, and applauding at Brown eating Cameron for breakfast.
Brown
“It’s answer time, David.” This is what I like about Brown. This is the only thing I like about Brown. Andrew Marr asked him several times whether he hates him and Brown tries to pretend he doesn’t but he does, he really fucking does.
Cameron
“What matters is what comes out” He can only be referring to shit and his mouth, and it’s a colossal amount of shit. Went to Hull, undoubtedly to have a quick game of Piss on the Poor Person, and given the amount of shit he can generate, I’m surprised he didn’t start a tsunami. Some coppers bought a £73, 000 Lexus. This is what happens when you give a 12 year old money, they spend it all at once and ask for more. Talks about change, I’m sure that looks like change to him. We need crime fighters, not form fillers, so hand me the Bat phone, you cunt.
Clegg
Makes a point about Labour and the Tories not putting their public spending figures in the their manifestos. Getting left out here.
Cameron
Mother was a magistrate for 30 years, an unpaid and unskilled job that any old self righteous busy body can do, and gave people short term prison sentences for smashing up ‘The’ bus stop, the only one in the village of ‘Balls-upon-Face’, twinned with 'Arabian Goggles', Saudi. Bet she felt just like Kojak. Doesn’t answer the point of spending / manifesto promises, becoming a habit of his.
Brown
Proudly states that 20, 000 more people are in prison. I can’t believe he’s happy with Britain becoming a police state. Takes Cameron to task over police funding again, takes the piss out of Conservative posters with “Now, be honest with the public, because you can't airbrush your policies, even though you can airbrush your posters.“ Gets a laugh, hilarious. Staring Cameron down.
Cameron
Brown to protect health, education and police spending, but actually he can’t because we’ve got the biggest budget deficit of any ‘developed country’, meaning we used to have young, pert breasts, and now we have big, floppy, embarrassing man boobs, and everyone knows it.
End of Question 2
Conclusion
Not too much to take from this one, it started on crime and moved back onto manifesto pledges, which are always bullshit anyway. There was an opportunity for someone to take the reigns here but it was an opportunity lost. It degenerated reasonably swiftly into bullshit tennis between Brown and Cameron, with Clegg quietly rubbing one out on the sidelines, and Stewart being both smug and amazed at having the least important job in a 10 mile radius of that studio. I get the feeling that they were all trying to score points like this is the Commons, and I don’t think our special friend from The North will feel any safer clutching her Maccy D’s Minced Poor People ¼ Pounder tonight, whilst someone is in her bathroom, stealing her shitter, after hearing a really limp round of political pea shooting.
Q3 up next, stick around, you crazy bastards.
Questions
Question 2: Crime
Burnley, being in The North, is a terrible, terrible place. They don't have rats there, because the rat’s standards of living are above that of Burnley's. A stupid woman with a stupid haircut who is somehow shocked at Burnley being the burglary capital of the UK or England or something, asks how she can be made to feel safe. Some kind of helmet, I imagine, and I don’t mean the throbbing kind.
Cameron
System not working ploply. Is this a smoke screen? Is he trying to seem common by mispronouncing one single word? Has this word been specially selected at a round table of the most evil people of all time, featuring Hitler, Blair, Susan and Frankie Boyle, Mr Burns, Thatcher and Your Mother? Burglars not getting long enough sentences. See above. Moves into a Daily Mail wet dream about a right bastard, who robbed, burned and killed in an evening’s orgy of theft, death and DFS, that could result in just 4 ½ years inside, with a very quick proviso of ‘could’, thereby discounting any relationship with reality. All froth, no beer. If you thought Labour were bad with Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt tactics, then just wait, just fucking wait, till this puppy stomping piss hole gets in. Wants to put people in prison for a long time if they cross someone’s threshold, and by threshold he means ring piece, and by long time he means hanging. By the plums. The plums.
Clegg
I just realised that Clegg is beady eyed. Such a shame. More police on streets needed, I think we need more police preventing crime. Starts laying into ID card system, all of his own accord, have a lollipop, you spacker. Young people are becoming the hardened criminals of tomorrow, so watch out for a lot of young men wandering around with a boner, knocking over grandma’s Diana commemorative plates whilst they steal the hat stand, because it’s the only thing a man can thieve with a lob on. That’s what Clegg has done to get crime down in Sheffield, but you’re buggered if you need somewhere to put your hat, or in Cameron’s case, your Top Hat. Most uncomfortable shopping experience ever, especially if you’re in a queue. Mind you, if Cameron gets in, be very careful, or you’ll go to prison for a long time, you goddamn threshold diddler you.
Brown
Now chooses to acknowledge the questioner, part of the new, family friendly, non-peodo Brown package. Crime is falling according to official figures, probably because it’s really pissed, or it can’t quite carry all the booty it’s just stolen. Parents need to accept responsibility for their cunty little children (correct), although Browns parents should’ve taken responsibility for his face, and quietly stuffed it in the toaster. Doing more of this shaky fist business, but in bigger swings, so he’s obviously mid or even post shit and is merely trying to negotiate the release of the remainder of the chocolate hostages. There’s always a clinger, isn’t there? We understand your frustration, Gordy. Wants people to be able to take out injunctions against the police, which is The Worst Idea Ever, seeing as they are already weighed down by 7 fucktons of paperwork and red tape as it is.
Arguments
Cameron
Most crime is coming from people addicted to drugs. Bullshit. I’m sure they have a part to play but I don’t believe that ‘most’ crime is caused by drug addicts. Maybe in Glasgow, but that always fucks up the statistics. The tone he uses to speak about drugs is like drugs are an alien species that should be sent back into space immediately, those crazy little green bastards. Of course, Cameron would never, ever even think about touching drugs, much like a Catholic priest and small boys. Wonder if he’s ever had a coffee.
Starts attacking in-prison treatment of drug addicts, but clearly doesn’t understand the matter, saying that people get put onto a substitute drug, without realising that people could easily go completely Bucky o’Hare if they didn't. Just does not understand the subject, and idiots who agree with him will think he's making a good point, but trust me on this, he's not. Then accuses the country of being mad. Faaaaaaaaaack orrrrrrrrrrff.
Moves onto an unconvincing anecdote about him talking to a criminal. I’m sure he probably just said Hello to the bin man and that was enough to make him feel like he was part of the Great Train Robbery. To this day, he winces at the sight of a Biffa truck, knowing that he spoke to someone who doesn’t have unicorn piss with their Torie-oes
Clegg
Old pointy eyes is back, talking about penises and conveyor belts, which is slightly worrying, if I ever see Clegg in Tescos, I’m gone. Now it’s onto Colleges of Crime, which can’t be a good idea can it? Comes out with a fact I’ll have to bust out at my next super brainy dinner party, “Do you know that young men going into prison now on short-term prison sentences now come out” Fuck a duck, stop the presses, hold the phone, in that order. When did this happen? Why wasn’t I informed? Has Labour really corrupted our Criminal Justice System to such an extent? This is insane. In-fucking-sane.
We are re-producing crime, and Clegg is closer to the money than he thinks. Well, we aren’t, but the criminal underclass is. Cut their balls off, that’ll stem the flow. Goes onto some floppy shit about crims apologising to victims. That’ll learn ‘em.
Brown
Starts about being young, I was sure Brown festered into existence. Moves onto community activities for young people, fair dinkum. We now have more police than ever before, although they’re all twelve and short and spiky haired. I’ve had shits like that, and believe me those logs I've dropped were far more intimidating, and didn’t have to fill in any paper work to stop me in my tracks. Not that I was committing any crimes at the time, maybe one against the environment, but no-one cares about that. Remember kids, shit before you steal. Then talks about one police force taking over another, under performing one, like they’ll be bought and sold on the stock market by the Big Swinging Dicks. I see a light bulb above Camerons head, Browns just given him a way to privatise another public sector service.
Clegg
Back to his Collages of Crime idea, I’m sure his PR person is flinging their own shit around in rage trying to get him to stop this drivel. 9/10 young men re-offend. At least they’re good at something, that is to say, getting caught. The re-offenders will stop when they realise they are really shit criminals. Waving his hands to his face, Clegg enjoys basking in the ambiance. I didn’t know he was a wafter. Ledge. Repeats his angle of young / petty becoming old / hardened criminals, sounds painstakingly rehearsed. He needs more meat on them bones, either a different take on the same point or a whole different point altogether.
Brown
Worked on some project with 75% success rate, well done Brown, no-one looks impressed. Thanks Cameron for the posters ‘about him’. I thank the Lord our Christ I missed those, I can’t even begin to imagine the sick shit those two must be writing about each other, and in public as well, do they have no shame? Dis. Gust. Ing. Looks at Cameron like he’s going to eat him and is rather pleased about it. Does his 'someone’s got a wire in my cheeks and is tugging away, I’m really smiling' smile thing. Lord Ashcroft was in on it as well, he must’ve been the Dungeon Master. Nice little passing of that parcel [Ashcroft] to Cameron.
Cameron
Brown’s got his goat, and Cameron’s going to beef it out. Increasing in volume and starts speaking like he’s trying to tell his mother off over making his bed time unicorn piss too hot. Gets cut off by Stewart, well done, that’s the biggest contribution he will ever make to society. Cameron looks like he’s about to stamp his feet. Brown and Cameron start bickering over public funding, namely the funding of the police.
I really want them to start fighting to the death with sledgehammers, and Clegg can sit in the corner, gently soiling himself whilst Abba’s Dancing Queen plays the whole sorry affair to it’s inevitable conclusion, which is of course everyone wondering why Clegg has shat himself, and applauding at Brown eating Cameron for breakfast.
Brown
“It’s answer time, David.” This is what I like about Brown. This is the only thing I like about Brown. Andrew Marr asked him several times whether he hates him and Brown tries to pretend he doesn’t but he does, he really fucking does.
Cameron
“What matters is what comes out” He can only be referring to shit and his mouth, and it’s a colossal amount of shit. Went to Hull, undoubtedly to have a quick game of Piss on the Poor Person, and given the amount of shit he can generate, I’m surprised he didn’t start a tsunami. Some coppers bought a £73, 000 Lexus. This is what happens when you give a 12 year old money, they spend it all at once and ask for more. Talks about change, I’m sure that looks like change to him. We need crime fighters, not form fillers, so hand me the Bat phone, you cunt.
Clegg
Makes a point about Labour and the Tories not putting their public spending figures in the their manifestos. Getting left out here.
Cameron
Mother was a magistrate for 30 years, an unpaid and unskilled job that any old self righteous busy body can do, and gave people short term prison sentences for smashing up ‘The’ bus stop, the only one in the village of ‘Balls-upon-Face’, twinned with 'Arabian Goggles', Saudi. Bet she felt just like Kojak. Doesn’t answer the point of spending / manifesto promises, becoming a habit of his.
Brown
Proudly states that 20, 000 more people are in prison. I can’t believe he’s happy with Britain becoming a police state. Takes Cameron to task over police funding again, takes the piss out of Conservative posters with “Now, be honest with the public, because you can't airbrush your policies, even though you can airbrush your posters.“ Gets a laugh, hilarious. Staring Cameron down.
Cameron
Brown to protect health, education and police spending, but actually he can’t because we’ve got the biggest budget deficit of any ‘developed country’, meaning we used to have young, pert breasts, and now we have big, floppy, embarrassing man boobs, and everyone knows it.
End of Question 2
Conclusion
Not too much to take from this one, it started on crime and moved back onto manifesto pledges, which are always bullshit anyway. There was an opportunity for someone to take the reigns here but it was an opportunity lost. It degenerated reasonably swiftly into bullshit tennis between Brown and Cameron, with Clegg quietly rubbing one out on the sidelines, and Stewart being both smug and amazed at having the least important job in a 10 mile radius of that studio. I get the feeling that they were all trying to score points like this is the Commons, and I don’t think our special friend from The North will feel any safer clutching her Maccy D’s Minced Poor People ¼ Pounder tonight, whilst someone is in her bathroom, stealing her shitter, after hearing a really limp round of political pea shooting.
Q3 up next, stick around, you crazy bastards.
Friday, 16 April 2010
The Debates
Round 1
So the highly anticipated debates.
Yesterday I was going to make a point of not watching them but today came and curiosity got the better of me. I've watched a few Question Times in my time and they've always been metronomicly, crushingly dull, and I excepted this to be the same, only worse.
I suppose a TV debate was inevitable really, as the creeping numbers of mouth breathing fatties glued to their chairs continue to drag down the average IQ of the country, scratching their fat sweaty balls with their fat sweaty hands, clamouring for the doritos or maybe the cat, anything's a meal, waiting for X Factor to come on so their picosecond attention span can somehow become even shorter until it reaches a singularity, thereby ending all life on planet earth, refuse to inform themselves any further than what The Sun or ITV news has to say about anything at all ever, combined with a messy break up with the public after a long period of decline, something out of the ordinary had to happen to get people to engage with politics again, and it is so.
I'm not sure how much of an effect it will have, some people will see and hear what they want, others may change their mind, most will slowly drift by, gentling dribbling over themselves at the thought of it all. Of it all.
Moving on.
Opening Statements
Alas, it started with the leaders giving an 'opening statement'. I nearly broke at this point, a whole 15 seconds in, not because Nick 'Cleggers' Clegg had started the batting, but because it came across like a Blind Date introduction, except they'd just eaten your baby and you'd caught them in the act with a small foot still poking out of their mouths, twirling round, yet you still have to take one of them out, and you know, just know, that they are going to attempt to cop a feel at best, the cheeky little shits, or eat your other baby at worst.
Back to the content. It was just hot air, it could be any politician talking about anything. Washed right over me.
It didn't improve when Gorden 'Broon' Brown got going but I hung on in there, watching his highly trained hands moving backwards and forwards, in affirmative motions, like he's trying to waft away a really vicious fart into the crowd yonder, who by the way looked remarkably white. Maybe there were a few more black people in there that had turned white from the aforementioned arse-grenade Broon had pulled the pin on. He obviously does not enjoy basking in the ambiance. For shame.
Content-wise, nothing, just nothing.
PS
On my spaz-o-vison TV, Browns ears looked hilarious. Just a thought.
Onto David 'Just call me Dave' Cameron. What a unspeakable, first class shit. And not the kind one enjoys after a hearty meal. I can't hide my disdain for him. However, there is no getting away from it, if you didn't know what he was about, if he didn't open his goddamn trap, he doesn't seem all that evil and that's why he's the Conservative party leader, because the rest of them make Darth Vader look like a member of the My Little Pony outfit, the blood sucking bastards. I never said this was going to be unbiased, by the way.
Anyway, he spoke, something about... nope, gone. Fuck it, don't care.
Questions
Question 1: Immigration
Asked by a retired toxicologist who sounds like he has some intelligence, but he's from Cheshire aka Land of Rich White People, and probably still has to change the channel when he sees a black man on TV. Con.
A tough one to start with but that's life. Everyone's got an opinion but no-one, no-one really knows what the fuck is going on, not least the General 'We Know Fuck All' Public. 'They', the wizards that is, have an idea, but they don't really know. Add in statistics and the 3 leaders of the main political parties trying to win the election on the strength of a TV debate and you really are set up for a record-breaking bullshit bonanza. We're talking biblical levels.
Gordon 'Brownies' Brown gets going, and you can see now the opening gambit is out of the way he's fully into his public speaking stride. He does seem almost statesman like. For some unfathomable reason he starts talking about chefs, who have fuck all to do with fuck all, I mean how many chefs are there in this country? I didn't know there was an immigrant chef problem. Talks about his points system for immigrants. A positive, logical step we could have done with 13 years ago. Comes across as affirmative. Wants to advertise jobs in job centres where skills are needed. Radical. His tie is on the piss and it really bothers me.
David 'Cunty-bollocks' Cameron slimes in, saying immigration has been too high, the naughty little shit, stealing his weed. Wants to get the numbers down, so I assume that's code for 'get your gun and shoot the darkies'. I'm not sure he's with the times. The horse has not only bolted on this one, but it's also gone to pastures greener, lead a long and meaningful life, and died peacefully in it's sleep. Being serious, it's a valid point, but I sure as hell don't trust the numbers so him pursing his lips at them is not very convincing. Might be pinching one out. Highlights that more people are coming in than going out. No shit. Agrees on points system, wants a cap. Maybe a night cap. Talks about new EU countries and 'them' all coming over at once. Is he going to hand out tickets and get people to form an orderly queue? They'd need to live here 20 years to ascertain the art of queuing anyway, so he might as well give up on that one.
Nick 'The Clegg' Clegg addresses the questioner directly. Complete chaos apparently. Hadn't noticed. Blames the old guard, a wise tactic. Makes valid points about exit controls and regional placement of immigrants taking into account available jobs, housing, health services etc, not exciting but he comes across as sure footed, which is about as much as you can ask. Solid ideas. Makes pointy hand movements, like he's fisting a beached whale.
Arguments
Brown
Begins with Net inward migration. I have that problem all the time. Apparently they're counting people out and in, which is pure lies. Talks about ID cards, Clegg misses a trick here, should've really hammered him on the seeping of ID cards system into British society. Worrying. Using the same old tactic of 'you'll be better of with it, think of the children, security, turrurists' rather than 'these things will be sold a dime a dozen on the black market'. 40, 000 less immigrant students this year apparently. All a result of Labour doing its thang, nothing to do with the massive goatsee'ing of the economy. Finishes on controls. Bit late now, mate.
Cameron
Cap is necessary. Boater, preferably. Cameron in speaks to black people shocker. He's just lost half his votes. Pack your bag boys, war's over. Plus this chap was in the navy, so he's obviously a bumbadeer. That's the other half of the votes gone. Rejoice, shit on a stick or something. Camerons not at all imaginary friend is ashamed or some shit at immigration being out of control. Undertones of Daily Mail there. Says 'properly', sounds like 'ploply'. I always thought he was a 5 year old. Supports boarder controls, wants a border police, forgets we have the sea to do that job for us. Wants to combine all law enforcement agencies somehow into this magic boarder force, seems to have forgotten about everything else that they need to look after. Looks like his head is too big for his face.
Clegg
Starts with good immigration and bad immigration, and no doubt will unleash his secret weapon, Bifidus Imigratia. One a day kills all the bad immigration, don't ya know. Moves onto an anecdote about being in Wales. The horror. A ward was empty, and it should've been filled with immigrants. Not sure I'm understanding the message here but it sounds like the problem is the Welsh can't be trained in anything above 'low level faeces handling operative', i.e., playing with shit. Speaks to the Sista', implying she is also black. Very sly Nick, very sly. Got one over Cameron there. His point against arbitrary cap is valid.
Cameron
Tries not to be racist by saying how he loves good immigration but it needs to be controlled.
Brown
Doesn't like these words, maybe he prefers 'dogging'. More talk of control. Goes back to this net inward immigration bullshit. What the fuck is he talking about. He's already made a super massive boarder control force, Cameron didn't get the memo, the dick. Back to ID cards for immigrants. Another cue for Cleggers, missed, DUR.
Cameron
Now he's on about net migration levels. What happened to the net inward immigration? Starts talking numbers. Lies. Can recognise big numbers. Well done, gold star. Reassuring. Brown tries to talk over him, sounds like he's trying to argue with Argos about the delivery of his nipple clamps.
Clegg
Looks like he dropped his ice cream. Back to old guard bashing, a necessary evil. Repeats himself, annoyingly. More complete chaos. Can you have partial chaos? Only have immigrants to places they are needed, but what about if there is nowhere for them to go? What if the Queen of Sheba wants to immigrate? We can't have two Queens now, can we.
Brown
Agrees with Nick on the point of anti-capness, trying to snuggle up to the Lib Dems just in case, would rather votes went their way than Camerons way, fine by me. Comes across like a letch, an old man attempting to bed a schoolgirl. Now jiggling his fists about, like he's busting for a shit. Wants to meet the skills shortages of the past. We could do with some miners, buggers were on strike.
Cameron
More hand waving, think his mums in the crowd but he can't look at her because he might piss his pants. Bad memories. Starts talking about welfare reform, and makes a good point about capable, or at least able, people not working despite available jobs. Dig at the underclass there. Could chime in with something about societies woes. Which may be relevant but is outside the scope of the question. I think he's just getting a swipe in. Asks Nick how he can do the regional imigant bit.
Clegg
Says you have a work permit for a particular region. Big fines otherwise. OoohoOOoo. Scary stuff.
End of Question 1
Conclusion
Well Clegg gave his POV the best, and made the most sense. Cameron got roundly shat on and Brown was just Brown, nothing to see here. Browns problem will continue to be the fact that he's leading the party that has been in power for the past 13 years, so he's a Stay Puft sized easy target. This is a theme we shall see throughout the remaining questions.
Tune in soon for more aimless ranting.
So the highly anticipated debates.
Yesterday I was going to make a point of not watching them but today came and curiosity got the better of me. I've watched a few Question Times in my time and they've always been metronomicly, crushingly dull, and I excepted this to be the same, only worse.
I suppose a TV debate was inevitable really, as the creeping numbers of mouth breathing fatties glued to their chairs continue to drag down the average IQ of the country, scratching their fat sweaty balls with their fat sweaty hands, clamouring for the doritos or maybe the cat, anything's a meal, waiting for X Factor to come on so their picosecond attention span can somehow become even shorter until it reaches a singularity, thereby ending all life on planet earth, refuse to inform themselves any further than what The Sun or ITV news has to say about anything at all ever, combined with a messy break up with the public after a long period of decline, something out of the ordinary had to happen to get people to engage with politics again, and it is so.
I'm not sure how much of an effect it will have, some people will see and hear what they want, others may change their mind, most will slowly drift by, gentling dribbling over themselves at the thought of it all. Of it all.
Moving on.
Opening Statements
Alas, it started with the leaders giving an 'opening statement'. I nearly broke at this point, a whole 15 seconds in, not because Nick 'Cleggers' Clegg had started the batting, but because it came across like a Blind Date introduction, except they'd just eaten your baby and you'd caught them in the act with a small foot still poking out of their mouths, twirling round, yet you still have to take one of them out, and you know, just know, that they are going to attempt to cop a feel at best, the cheeky little shits, or eat your other baby at worst.
Back to the content. It was just hot air, it could be any politician talking about anything. Washed right over me.
It didn't improve when Gorden 'Broon' Brown got going but I hung on in there, watching his highly trained hands moving backwards and forwards, in affirmative motions, like he's trying to waft away a really vicious fart into the crowd yonder, who by the way looked remarkably white. Maybe there were a few more black people in there that had turned white from the aforementioned arse-grenade Broon had pulled the pin on. He obviously does not enjoy basking in the ambiance. For shame.
Content-wise, nothing, just nothing.
PS
On my spaz-o-vison TV, Browns ears looked hilarious. Just a thought.
Onto David 'Just call me Dave' Cameron. What a unspeakable, first class shit. And not the kind one enjoys after a hearty meal. I can't hide my disdain for him. However, there is no getting away from it, if you didn't know what he was about, if he didn't open his goddamn trap, he doesn't seem all that evil and that's why he's the Conservative party leader, because the rest of them make Darth Vader look like a member of the My Little Pony outfit, the blood sucking bastards. I never said this was going to be unbiased, by the way.
Anyway, he spoke, something about... nope, gone. Fuck it, don't care.
Questions
Question 1: Immigration
Asked by a retired toxicologist who sounds like he has some intelligence, but he's from Cheshire aka Land of Rich White People, and probably still has to change the channel when he sees a black man on TV. Con.
A tough one to start with but that's life. Everyone's got an opinion but no-one, no-one really knows what the fuck is going on, not least the General 'We Know Fuck All' Public. 'They', the wizards that is, have an idea, but they don't really know. Add in statistics and the 3 leaders of the main political parties trying to win the election on the strength of a TV debate and you really are set up for a record-breaking bullshit bonanza. We're talking biblical levels.
Gordon 'Brownies' Brown gets going, and you can see now the opening gambit is out of the way he's fully into his public speaking stride. He does seem almost statesman like. For some unfathomable reason he starts talking about chefs, who have fuck all to do with fuck all, I mean how many chefs are there in this country? I didn't know there was an immigrant chef problem. Talks about his points system for immigrants. A positive, logical step we could have done with 13 years ago. Comes across as affirmative. Wants to advertise jobs in job centres where skills are needed. Radical. His tie is on the piss and it really bothers me.
David 'Cunty-bollocks' Cameron slimes in, saying immigration has been too high, the naughty little shit, stealing his weed. Wants to get the numbers down, so I assume that's code for 'get your gun and shoot the darkies'. I'm not sure he's with the times. The horse has not only bolted on this one, but it's also gone to pastures greener, lead a long and meaningful life, and died peacefully in it's sleep. Being serious, it's a valid point, but I sure as hell don't trust the numbers so him pursing his lips at them is not very convincing. Might be pinching one out. Highlights that more people are coming in than going out. No shit. Agrees on points system, wants a cap. Maybe a night cap. Talks about new EU countries and 'them' all coming over at once. Is he going to hand out tickets and get people to form an orderly queue? They'd need to live here 20 years to ascertain the art of queuing anyway, so he might as well give up on that one.
Nick 'The Clegg' Clegg addresses the questioner directly. Complete chaos apparently. Hadn't noticed. Blames the old guard, a wise tactic. Makes valid points about exit controls and regional placement of immigrants taking into account available jobs, housing, health services etc, not exciting but he comes across as sure footed, which is about as much as you can ask. Solid ideas. Makes pointy hand movements, like he's fisting a beached whale.
Arguments
Brown
Begins with Net inward migration. I have that problem all the time. Apparently they're counting people out and in, which is pure lies. Talks about ID cards, Clegg misses a trick here, should've really hammered him on the seeping of ID cards system into British society. Worrying. Using the same old tactic of 'you'll be better of with it, think of the children, security, turrurists' rather than 'these things will be sold a dime a dozen on the black market'. 40, 000 less immigrant students this year apparently. All a result of Labour doing its thang, nothing to do with the massive goatsee'ing of the economy. Finishes on controls. Bit late now, mate.
Cameron
Cap is necessary. Boater, preferably. Cameron in speaks to black people shocker. He's just lost half his votes. Pack your bag boys, war's over. Plus this chap was in the navy, so he's obviously a bumbadeer. That's the other half of the votes gone. Rejoice, shit on a stick or something. Camerons not at all imaginary friend is ashamed or some shit at immigration being out of control. Undertones of Daily Mail there. Says 'properly', sounds like 'ploply'. I always thought he was a 5 year old. Supports boarder controls, wants a border police, forgets we have the sea to do that job for us. Wants to combine all law enforcement agencies somehow into this magic boarder force, seems to have forgotten about everything else that they need to look after. Looks like his head is too big for his face.
Clegg
Starts with good immigration and bad immigration, and no doubt will unleash his secret weapon, Bifidus Imigratia. One a day kills all the bad immigration, don't ya know. Moves onto an anecdote about being in Wales. The horror. A ward was empty, and it should've been filled with immigrants. Not sure I'm understanding the message here but it sounds like the problem is the Welsh can't be trained in anything above 'low level faeces handling operative', i.e., playing with shit. Speaks to the Sista', implying she is also black. Very sly Nick, very sly. Got one over Cameron there. His point against arbitrary cap is valid.
Cameron
Tries not to be racist by saying how he loves good immigration but it needs to be controlled.
Brown
Doesn't like these words, maybe he prefers 'dogging'. More talk of control. Goes back to this net inward immigration bullshit. What the fuck is he talking about. He's already made a super massive boarder control force, Cameron didn't get the memo, the dick. Back to ID cards for immigrants. Another cue for Cleggers, missed, DUR.
Cameron
Now he's on about net migration levels. What happened to the net inward immigration? Starts talking numbers. Lies. Can recognise big numbers. Well done, gold star. Reassuring. Brown tries to talk over him, sounds like he's trying to argue with Argos about the delivery of his nipple clamps.
Clegg
Looks like he dropped his ice cream. Back to old guard bashing, a necessary evil. Repeats himself, annoyingly. More complete chaos. Can you have partial chaos? Only have immigrants to places they are needed, but what about if there is nowhere for them to go? What if the Queen of Sheba wants to immigrate? We can't have two Queens now, can we.
Brown
Agrees with Nick on the point of anti-capness, trying to snuggle up to the Lib Dems just in case, would rather votes went their way than Camerons way, fine by me. Comes across like a letch, an old man attempting to bed a schoolgirl. Now jiggling his fists about, like he's busting for a shit. Wants to meet the skills shortages of the past. We could do with some miners, buggers were on strike.
Cameron
More hand waving, think his mums in the crowd but he can't look at her because he might piss his pants. Bad memories. Starts talking about welfare reform, and makes a good point about capable, or at least able, people not working despite available jobs. Dig at the underclass there. Could chime in with something about societies woes. Which may be relevant but is outside the scope of the question. I think he's just getting a swipe in. Asks Nick how he can do the regional imigant bit.
Clegg
Says you have a work permit for a particular region. Big fines otherwise. OoohoOOoo. Scary stuff.
End of Question 1
Conclusion
Well Clegg gave his POV the best, and made the most sense. Cameron got roundly shat on and Brown was just Brown, nothing to see here. Browns problem will continue to be the fact that he's leading the party that has been in power for the past 13 years, so he's a Stay Puft sized easy target. This is a theme we shall see throughout the remaining questions.
Tune in soon for more aimless ranting.
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